5 Ways to Tell If He’s Into You: Kingdom Animalia Edition

by Kate Barss


If You’re A Giraffe (Giraffa camelopardalis):

Okay, I know how very fine this dude looks: long neck, those rogue-ish horns, but don’t rush it. Instead, try casually flirting with him by urinating close to where he’s grazing. You’ll know he’s into you if he approaches, sniffs, and helps himself. If he likes what he tastes, it’s on! Lift your tiny tail and get your booty down. But girl, if he’s not into your flavour and trots away, remind yourself that it is his loss. At times like this, it’s helpful to remember your mother’s favourite adage: there are plenty of necks in the savannah.

If You’re A Peacock Spider (Maratus volans):

Girl! This guy’s definitely feeling you if he’s waving his brightly coloured abdominal flaps and applauding you with his third set of legs. You might not be in the mood, but he’s certainly willing to risk it! While he avoids your attempts to maim him, stop to admire his smooth sideways dance. Remember to award points for effort. If you’re into it, (and he’s still alive) go for it and let your hairy palps down! But if you’re still not feeling it, don’t worry, you can always eat him.

If You’re An Angler Fish (Lophiiformes):

He’s a bit on the small-side, so you might not even realize he’s there. Ah, isn’t that always the case? No problem, what you two have will last a lifetime (his). When he bites into you he’ll quickly become attached. Yes, at first he may seem a bit clingy, but as your bloodstreams merge, he’ll gradually begin to degenerate! Soon, you’ll be left with a large, shrivelled lump and a hefty supply of sperm to remember him by. ❤ If You’re A Satin Bower Bird (Ptilonorhynchus violaceus):

He’s spent weeks collecting berries, feathers, flowers and twigs to impress you with his bower. Inspect it, but don’t give it up right away. Consider your options. Check out the other would-be baby-bird daddies in your hood. Re-visit your favourites and you’ll be welcomed with a steamy bower bird dance. Be choosy! Consider the aggressiveness and intensity of his choreography. When you’ve found the one, enter his crib and copulate! But once the fun is over, don’t let him cage you in. Flap your wings and vacate his gaudy nest to build your very own. Be free girl!

If You’re A Desert Grassland Whiptail Lizard (Aspidoscelis uniparens):

Males, who needs them anyway? Not you, you sassy-desert-grassland-whiptail-lizard! Find yourself a sizzling, scale-covered lady to cuddle and lay some eggs with! Bonus: you don’t even have to worry about fertilization! You’ll birth a batch of fiercely reptilian daughters, and also keep the population exactly as it should be: entirely female.

Kate Barss is a writer currently living in Toronto. Read more of her work at katebarss.com.