Which Freaky James Spader Character are you?

leave the blood on your face and meet me in the bedroom

Describe your go-to technique for seducing a woman:

a. Record an intimate video of her sister masturbating
b. Humiliate her by forcing her to perform a series of demeaning tasks, before bending her over your desk and spanking her
c. Kill her husband by ramming your car into him
d. Neg her by pointing out that she is less popular than some other girls

What is your favorite sexual position?

a. Doesn’t really matter, as long as there’s a camera involved
b. Doggy style — prime position to slap that ass
c. Whatever it’s called when you fuck a leg wound
d. Missionary

How would you describe your relationship with your exes?

a. Ughhhh
b. Haaaaa
c. Hmmm
d. Ehhhh

How fluffy is your hair?

a. So goddamn fluffy there could be an entire civilization of sprites living in there engaged in a treacherous battle with the sprites living in Peter Gallagher’s hair and you wouldn’t even notice
b. Pretty fluffy, by Serious Lawyer standards
c. More “gently tousled” than “fluffy,” really
d. A luxuriously fluffy mane made out of spun yuppie gold

Why did you hate Fifty Shades of Grey?

a. Not enough erotic camera angles
b. You tell people it’s because of the way it misrepresents the BDSM community, but really you like being the kinkiest Mr. Grey around
c. Seriously, it’s 2015: when is Hollywood going to recognise the sexy potential of leg wound fucking?
d. Christian Grey is not a believable rich person; he doesn’t even do cocaine



Mostly As: James “Graham from Sex, Lies, and Videotape” Spader
You’ve been hurt before. You protect yourself emotionally from the rest of the world by using your video camera as a filter through which to communicate at a safe distance with those you find to be truly attractive. You protect yourself physically from the world by creating a barrier of fluffy, fluffy hair.


Mostly Bs: James “Mr. Grey from Secretary” Spader
You are into rules, order, and discipline. You are also into breaking the rules. But only for sex reasons. You’re not into non-sexy rule breaking. That’s just disrespectful.


Mostly Cs: James “James (but a different James) from Crash” Spader
You like to go fast. You like to go hard. You like it rough. You like to keep it weird. Also, you’re into sex and stuff.


Mostly Ds: James “Steff from Pretty in Pink” Spader
You are one sick freak. Call me.