Is There A Way To Drain A Lake You Are Afraid You Will One Day Drown In?

by Jenny Zhang

to prepare for all possible possibilities I must admit
I feel extra saggy
my cousin’s husband gets married for a green card
but neither of them care about America at all
well I do & I care about Korea too
& I care about China too
& I care about Pakistan too
& I care about the southern plains of Mongolia
& I care about the dwindling sheep
& I care about the big fat clouds of summer
& I care about other people who are living thru some shit
on the car ride through the fields of broccoli trees I’m like
draw as you see it
and you are like I see it as just trees
and I am like brah-cah-lee
so brah, do you know much
about me?
so brah, do you feel like you could
really get me?
so brah, do you think this outdoor petting
is really that fun for me?
so brah, can I dangle this lampshade
like a hypnotist?
focault is all like I hate cauliflower on penises
and baudrillard is like ya
I hate simultaneous
& I swear to gahhhh everyone is like yep
me too
this yeppers won’t give me a chance
to really gaze
into this still-draining cyst
I took a shower
and my ovaries were leaking everywhere
I was like this is truly the kewlest thing I’ve ever felt
& literally no one was there to make me feel seen
my cousin’s husband is buzzing after a trip to southern China
“my goal is to eat an animal from every letter of the alphabet
except I can’t figure out what to do about X”
“just eat an x-ray of some stupid animal and call it a freaking day”
“just eat some bag of unknown crap and call it X — ”
I got super bored and started thinking about jewelry
Is there fashion in heaven?
What clothes will be available to me?
Do heavenly creatures have to choose an age?
What if I choose to be 17
and my mother chooses to be 17
and her mother chooses to be 17?
My father is like just go and eat something
Extra Yaaaaaaaammy
and I am all like guhh
I’m all like ummmmmmmmmmmmm
I’m all like sooooooooooooooooo
I’m all like ugghhhhhhhhhhhh
to think of heaven
to think of the future like that
I can’t even contain all that
I thought was already here
I can’t even remember all that
I had to say to the ones I cannot live without
& anyway I forget
& anyway I forget
& I forget
& I forget
& I forget
& I forget everything
& I have nothing much to say
& I can’t promise anything
& I can’t be full of boundless love
& I can’t go into the shops searching for extra yaaaammy
but I feel full & awake
& what if I am good like this
what if this is it

Jenny Zhang is the author of Dear Jenny, We Are All Find and Hags. She writes for teen girls at Rookie & occasionally tweets @jennybagel.

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