Haley went to the store to get a pack of smokes and promised she’d be right back, but asked if I…


Haley went to the store to get a pack of smokes and promised she’d be right back, but asked if I could help Jazmine with running the site in the meantime. This means you’ll see me around a bit more than usual this week! I am so excited to be your trying-too-hard stepmom who just wants you to love her, dammit. I got us all tickets to Pearl Jam!

How was your weekend? Did you have a nice Valentine’s Day? Did you have a better day-after-Valentine’s Day? I am always a fan of February 15th, because 1. It is Flag Day in Canada (look it up) and 2. All the candy hearts are on sale at the drugstore, sustaining my glamorous lifestyle. Have you seen Fifty Shades of Grey yet? I am mad curious to watch it, but I can’t justify dropping bank on a movie ticket when I can go on Redtube for free. I was actually invited to a press screening last week, and thought, “Perfect! Now I can watch this movie under the guise of working!” Then, a few days before the screening I spontaneously decided to jump on a plane and visit a former gentleman companion in Vancouver some 2000 miles away? It was the perfect plan: I would take the redeye back Tuesday night and get home in time for the movie, a true modern woman having it all.

The perfect plan went to shit (or “puke,” technically) when last Monday I got hit with the flu or food poisoning or something that saw me spilling my guts, literally, forcing me to extend my stay and miss the movie.

The cherry on this sexy whipped cream bikini: I pretty much only packed elaborate lingerie, which is maybe the worst thing to be wearing when you are alternating between chills and feverish sweats under six layers of blankets praying for an early death? Gentleman Companion was cool about it at least, bringing me glasses of water and making runs to the drugstore and lending me boxers to wear, which I promptly puked all over. In one moment of Peak Feminism™ I said, while sobbing in the fetal position, “I just wanted to be fun and sexy but instead I’m so grosssssssss!” Which, to be real, is probably be how my Fifty Shades review would read.

Anyway, Monica ended up seeing the movie, and she had some thoughts. I ended up watching 5 Ted Talks that a racier than Fifty Shades of Grey, which I enjoyed a whole lot. This week is going to be fun, I think.