And Now For Something Completely Normal
by Definitely “Haley”
Hello, it is I, Haley Bertha Mlotek, editor of esteemed website thehairpin.com. You might have heard some rumors that I was away this week filming The Real World: Des Moines but that is not true! I have been here all week, sitting at my desk in Canada, listening to the Drake and reading the World Wide Web. There is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary here.
I am here to announce some new changes that I, Haley Gertrude Mlotek, definitely and 100% sign off on:
1. The new tagline for The Hairpin will be “Jazmine and Anna’s Wacky Funtime Magic Emporium.” The new header image will be a photo of Jazmine and Anna exchanging enthusiastic high fives while wearing festive hats on their heads. A different set of hats will be depicted every week.
2. The third Thursday of every month will now be known as “Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi Erotic Fan Fiction Day.” Submissions will be considered only if they contain Danny DeVito, Steve Buscemi, or Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi together. Please send submissions to email@example.com and be as graphic as possible. Accompanying fan art is encouraged, but not necessary.
3. The editors at The Awl are hereby declared to be our nemeses. They know what they did.
4. All posts published on The Hairpin will now close with a select quotation from 1991 film Point Break, starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze.
There is a chance that at some point during the next week I will try to retract these changes and claim that I was never me in the first place, but rest assured that will just be a funny joke I will be playing, and you should all laugh me off accordingly.
Haley Mildred Mlotek
Haley Mlotek is definitely the editor of The Hairpin and not an impostor.
“Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.” — Bohdi, Point Break