Ocean’s Eleven: Ladies Night

by The Hairpin

poster

Casting Couch is a new column where we re-cast the world’s greatest movies. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

lopez clooney

George Clooney = Jennifer Lopez
Lopez and Clooney were at their best opposite each other in Out of Sight. We’re not math doctors, but wouldn’t lighting strike twice if Lopez becomes Clooney?

sandy pitt

Brad Pitt = Sandra Bullock
Would watch an entire movie of Sandra Bullock compulsively eating snacks, just like Brad Pitt in this role. We are also taking your suggestions for which current teen stars should play themselves in the scene where Sandra Bullock (as Brad Pitt) teaches poker in the back of that club.

damon stone

Matt Damon = Emma Stone
Anxious, eager to please: check

retta mac

Bernie Mac = Retta
Minimum of four scenes where Retta seduces someone for the heist. This is non-negotiable.

naomie cheadle

Don Cheadle = Naomie Harris
An actual British person for a British part; just crazy enough to work.

gould cher

Elliot Gould = Cher
Obviously.

whoopi

Carl Reiner = Whoopi Goldberg
Obviously squared.

illana abbi

Casey Affleck & Scott Cann = Abbi Jacobson & Ilana Glazer
The bickering brothers from Provo, Utah are now squabbling sisters from Broad City. They’ll probably spend their share of the stolen millions at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

shawkat

Eddie Jemison = Alia Shawkat
Maeby Fünke was always good at cooking up schemes, so.

mckayla

Shaobo Qin = McKayla Maroney
Why not get an IRL gymnast to play the acrobat who can fight, flip, and fit into the smallest of spaces? Script must incorporate her signature facial expression into all of her scenes. This is non-negotiable.

sharon stone

Andy Garcia = Sharon Stone
In a perfect world, novelist/heiress Catherine Trammell from Basic Instinct moves to Las Vegas and becomes a hotel & casino mogul.

denzel

Julia Roberts = Denzel Washington
If you’re gonna recast a Julia Roberts role, you need a really good smile. Denzel would crush it in this part. I guarantee it.

Casting Couch is a new regular column on The Hairpin. Like our choices? Hate them? Are you from Hollywood and want to give us all your jobs? Email notes@thehairpin.com.