Little Known Facts About Jack & Diane


You all know a little ditty about Jack and Diane, I’m sure, god bless John Cougar Mellencamp. These are some other ditties about the Heartland Sweethearts:

Jack thought Diane was the sweetest woman he’d ever met. They loved each other and Jesus and football and America. Once, Diane wore Daisy Dukes with an American flag pattern on them and Jack’s boner lost its mind. Its boner mind.

Diane got pregnant at 20 and thought “this is kind of too early but not so early that I can’t picture keeping it.” They got married before she was showing, and the woman at the bridal store made some impolite comments about Diane’s breast size.

Diane was secretly kind of grossed out by the birth. She can’t stop thinking about the feeling of her doctor shifting her organs out of the way to get the baby out. Jack was pretty useless throughout, but in an endearing kind of way.

Jack’s grandparents helped them buy a house, so now they both have to look the other way when Grampy Jerry gets racist.

Jack gained 30 pounds in the first year of their marriage. Diane blames the chilli dogs at the Tastee Freeze. Jack asked her to “lay off” about the dogs, and said Linda from work sometimes comes down to the Freeze and eats burgers with the boys and everything.

Jack briefly considered starting an affair with Linda, but couldn’t work up the nerve to try.

Diane has had exactly three orgasms her entire life.

The other day Jack thought he bought Diet Coke but it turned out to be regular Coke and Diane was like, ”That is so you, Jack. Really.” The side of the can said “Share It With Family.”

Once, at a party, Diane started telling a funny story about a time Jack parked the car weird, but halfway through she realized the story wasn’t actually that funny and made Jack look pretty bad, and that it had occurred around a time in their life together that they don’t talk about much, because it was a hard time when they were both drinking a lot and not really communicating. She tried to recoup the anecdote by switching to one about her own driving abilities, but the damage was done. Things with Jack were weird all night and their friends could tell.

Jack is $12,000 in debt from betting on college football. Diane doesn’t know.

Sometimes Diane puts on her old prom dress and pageant sash. It still fits but everything is different.

Jack asked Diane to peg him once, and she obliged. He really seemed to love it, but got nervous about his masculinity and never asked her to do it again. Diane wonders why he’s never bothered to ask if she enjoyed it. She did.

After Diane’s mom died, she stopped going to church. Now Jack attends on holidays but not regularly. Both of them worry what it means for their souls, eternity-wise. They have never talked about it.

Yesterday Jack told a young girl at a bus stop to “Hold on to sixteen for as long as you can.” Everyone around him thought it was creepy.

Diane got Jack a garbage can for Christmas.

Jack thinks of himself as inherently a good person. He remembers fingering Diane in the parking lot of the Tastee Freeze and wishes he could feel that way again.

Diane came home to flowers and felt the strains of an old song and the memory of a James Dean-like face near hers. Jack got drunk and expressed himself — -imperfectly but honestly — -for the first time in years.

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. You should follow her on Twitter: @monicaheisey.