What My Mom Wants Me to Write About


My Mom: Hi! Have you been reading the news this week? I have ideas for articles!!

Me: Oh god. I think we read different news.

My Mom: Have you heard of the movie This Is Where I Leave You?

Me: Of course! I saw it! It was great. Jason Bateman plays a semi-depressed divorced guy, and I AM INTO IT.

My Mom: Ew. Does this mean you are attracted to depressed divorced men? I don’t think this is a good idea.

Me: No, no no. It’s just a Jason Bateman-specific crush. Please don’t send me articles on this. Anyway, go on.

My Mom: So in the movie, This is Where I Leave You, Jane Fonda wears very large prosthetic breasts. I read that walking to work one day she decides to flash strangers and see their reactions. Why don’t we take this one step further and have “Prosthetic Nude Beaches”? Women could display their boobs, without being naked.

Me: I don’t — -huh? Wait. Nevermind. This makes total sense. Ok.

My Mom: More news! Jane the Virgin is premiering next week on The CW.

Me: Huh? I think I saw a subway poster for it. Wait, how is this newsworthy?

My Mom: You know I’m into the fall line-up! Trust me, this is what people want to talk about! So it’s a tv show about a young, religious woman, who discovers that she was accidentally artificially inseminated. Wasn’t there a similar plot line thousands of years ago?

Me: Are you implying you think Mary was artificially inseminated??

My Mom: Of course not. They didn’t have that technology back then. I’ve always thought she might have fooled around with Joseph though? Maybe there was a tiny bit of sperm? I need to google if that’s scientifically possible.

Me: Mom, please don’t google whatever you’re about to google about sperm. I should go..

Mom: Wait!! I saw you have a new male Facebook friend. Who is he?? I looked up his LinkedIn already!

Me: Anything else newsworthy this week?

Mom: Just ebola! Snooze. Alright, love you! Bye.

Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer and storyteller in New York. She co-hosts the comedic storytelling shows “Failing Our Twenties” and “Hookups & Hang-Ups,” and can be found online (usually talking about her love of Chipotle) @michmarkowitz and michellemarkowitz.com.