Bloodfeast: Scary White People Tacos

by Marie Lodi

Scary White People Tacos 2

Happy Horrors, my sisterwitches of The Mystical Menorrhea! How’s everyone’s ovaries doing? Me and mine are preparing for All Hallow’s Eve celebrations. I’m thinking about finally dressing up in the costume I’ve wanted to since the late 1990s–a box of tampons, like Kelly Macdonald’s character did in the movie Splendor–but alas, that might be too obvious. Still, I just want to pay Halloween homage to our cherished Female Curse!

Which brings me to this month’s Goddess feast, which is a quick and easy one. Being born and raised in Southern California, I’ve eaten my share of delicious authentic Mexican tacos. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get a craving for some white people tacos. You know what I’m talking about, those pre-made crunchy tacos that come with a no-fuss filling consisting of ground beef, cheese, lettuce, and tomato. These will be just like that which are also reminiscent of Taco Bell, sans the diarrhea (I HOPE).

When I was a kid, my mom (who is a sweet Filipino lady) made white people tacos using Pace Picante for the salsa, and ALWAYS mild. Now that is one thing I cannot fuck with these days. PACE! I am forever haunted by these commercials. So I won’t be doing you that dirty. We’ll be making some authentic salsa to slightly lessen the Caucasity of this dish. IT’S GONNA BE GOOD.

Scary White People Tacos 3

Scary White People Tacos
(Serves 4)

1 lb ground beef
Pre-made crunchy taco shells (I used Old El Paso Crunchy Taco Shells)
Iceberg lettuce
2 tomatoes
Shredded cheddar cheese
½ white or yellow medium-sized onion
Salt and black pepper
½ tsp cumin
1 tbsp chili pepper
1 tbsp minced garlic
Sliced black olives
Sour cream

Heat taco shells as directed on box, usually 5–7 minutes in oven.

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add in onion and salt, stirring occasionally. Cook until translucent. Put on “Raining Blood” by Slayer. Add in the beef and break it up with a spoon or spatula. Then toss in garlic, chili powder, and cumin. Stir often, until beef is no longer pink and thoroughly cooked. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

For the salsa:
3 large red tomatoes
¼–½ of a chili arbol (depending on desired heat! 1 whole chili arbol will probs knock your socks off)
¼ white or yellow onion
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 tsp garlic or onion salt
salt and pepper to taste

Remove stem from chili arbol and roast in hot pan for a few minutes. Then roughly chop ingredients and throw all into food processor or blender. Pulse a few times until finely chopped and mixed, yet retaining some thickness.

Add salsa to pan and simmer on low heat for 20 minutes, to boil out some of the excess water and bring out flavor. Allow to cool completely.

Lastly, assemble the tacos by spooning in the meat and adding in chopped lettuce and tomatoes. Arrange sliced olives and sour cream on top of the taco to form a menacing face, using a sliced tomato like a tongue. Pour salsa over it so it appears as though your taco is vomiting blood! Hooray! Now devour those scary monsters!

Previously: The “Ragwood” Sandwich

Marie Lodi is the president of a pizza club in LA. She is also a staff writer and the resident style advice columnist at Rookie. Richard Simmons once said she moved like a stripper. Read more of her stuff at and follow her everywhere @agentlover.