Scenes from My Dentist’s Life Right Before My Appointment


My dentist enters a room, walking past a dental technician pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“You know what would be funny?”

My dentist, on the subway to work, with a bunch of her dentist friends.
“I just feel like dentistry is underappreciated as a medical specialty, you know? People should respect us more.”
Her friends agree.
“We should be scarier.”
Her friends agree.
“Scarier than the gynecologist.”
Her friends agree. A terrifying smile spreads across her face.

My dentist wakes with a start in the night.
“You know what people hate? When a room is still air-conditioned when it’s 60 degrees outside. Yeah, that’ll get ‘em.” She drifts back into a comfortable sleep, without her mouthguard in, chuckling softly to herself.

My dentist is high and cannot stop laughing.
“AND THE THING IS — “ she sputters. “IN ORDER FOR THEM TO NOT FEEL PAIN, THEY HAVE TO STABBED IN THE MOUTH WITH A GIANT NEEDLE!! IT’S STILL PAINFUL!!!” Her husband smiles. She bites into her sixth cookie, and falls asleep without brushing her teeth.

My dentist, off-the-record.
“Flossing is fucking stupid.”

My dentist walks over to the front desk.
“Good morning, guys! I made a mix CD for the office that I think really captures our spirit and our work here, and I think the patients will enjoy it! Sort of like a waiting room soundtrack that lets them know what they’re in for when they come into my office. Hope you enjoy!” It consists solely of the sound effects from Saw and the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

My dentist’s recent Google searches:
are cavities even real
if cavemen didn’t have mouthwash then how did their teeth stay in
Kenny G album download

My dentist, ushering me into her office.
“Hi! Come on in, there’s nothing to worry about. Why do you look so serious? Let’s put a smile on that face.” Her face flickers to the Joker in The Dark Knight Rises, and back again.