An Unofficial Ranking of Some of the Boyz II Men Mid-Song Monologues
Boyz II Men. What can I say? For me, it started in the nineties, when Stephanie Tanner chose to fuck up her “street jazz” routine to “Motown Philly” because she didn’t want to be a professional dancer. The song and choreography had me (and most sixth grade girls I knew) hooked. Stephanie had only decided 15 minutes prior that she wanted to go pro, so it was especially crazy that 22 minutes into the episode, she had changed her mind and sabotaged her recital! FYI, this is rude, and the episode should have actually focused more on: realistic dreams and the time it takes to achieve them, and not being a dick to the rest of your dance class.
But Boyz II Men wasn’t just about Jodi Sweetin (though so much of it actually should have been); it was about slow, sensual, rhythm. It was about berets and deep baritone sounds! It was about…mid-song monologues that appeared in literally half of their songs — nearly all of them on Cooleyhighharmony — and would creep up on you like a thief in the night. HEY, WHY ARE THEY TALKING AGAIN?!? THIS IS A SONG!
But, the thing is, no one ever talks about these monologues. Until now. Here we go: an unofficial ranking of Boyz II Men’s mid-song monologues. Because you need this. We need this. And I’ve been wanting to do this for a very long time.
THIS IS MY HEART (Cooleyhighharmony, 1991)
My arms are open wide,
You can’t imagine how I feel inside.
Welcome this man, baby,
Because I’m giving my heart to you.
Ugh, Boyz II Men was all about “hey baby I’m just knocking on your door, girl, let me in, I want to love you.” Oh, you have a heart to give me? You can sing to me all you want, Boyz/Men, but did you bring Seamless?
UHH AHH (Cooleyhighharmony, 1991)
The music is low,
The lights are dim, there we lie.
With every look in your eyes.
And a lot of love.
Yes, it’s too good to be true.
Enclench my back,
Ecstasy fills the air,
As you kiss on my neck,
And stroke the back of my hair.
To hold you tonight,
I feel this is, my dear,
To grasp, to hold, to rock that place.
I don’t have anything to say about this other than enclench is not a real word?!?
END OF THE ROAD (Boomerang Soundtrack, 1992)
Girl I’m here for you.
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just ran out with that other fella,
Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care.
You just don’t understand how much I love you, do you?
I’m here for you.
I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby, but that’s all right.
Hey, I love you anyway,
And I’m still gonna be here for you ‘till my dying day, baby.
Right now, I’m just in so much pain, baby,
’Cause you just won’t come back to me.
Will you? Just come back to me.
SOOOO… this song is off the Boomerang soundtrack, technically, but most of us know it from the many, many, many instances of “Best of Boyz II Men” albums that have been released. There are more Boyz II Men compilation albums than there are actual albums. You can’t fact check this because it’s a feeling.
Anyway, this song is pretty good. The monologue is pretty terrible. It’s emotional pandering to a TUNE. It’s pathetic behavior masked with a beat. It’s just not good. It’s not! She cheated and he’s like “please come back!” “I’ll still be here!” “Okay just here waiting!” “Call me!” “Let me know!” “I walked out of the house for a few, did you call? Just wondering! Call me…” THEN. THEN! One of the verses is just one of the Boyz/Men scream/riffing “I’m so lonely, end of the road! I’m lonely!” Get out of here! You’re pissing me right off.
ON BENDED KNEE (II, 1994)
Baby I’m sorry.
Please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done.
Please come back home girl.
I know you put all your trust in me,
I’m sorry I let you down,
Please forgive me.
This is fine, I love when people beg for forgiveness within the art of song; it’s fun.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE (Christmas Interpretations, 1994)
Girl, this Christmas you won’t be alone. You don’t have to cry,
You don’t have to worry about a thing.
All the gifts that you wanted this year are yours.
You don’t have to worry about him no more,
’Cause he’s gone.
Don’t live in the past, baby,
I’m your future.
All the feelings that I have
Are here for you.
Anything that I can do
To take away any problem
That you may have or have had,
Just say Michael, (author note: who?)
And this Christmas is yours.
Not a real Christmas song!
ALL NIGHT LONG (Evolution, 1997)
Walk with me baby.
Ha, don’t you wanna do that?
Try to meet me halfway.
I love and need you.
Ha, are you listening?
The use of “ha” is maddening and only confirms my theory that all “ha”’s should be taken as “rude tbh” forms of communication. “Ha” is — it has to be said — as bad as “k.” And “ha!” is worse than anything.
TO THE LIMIT (Evolution, 1997)
The things I’d do for you.
Take you out for a night on the town,
And after I’d run you some bath water,
With some bubbles.
Do you like bubbles?
Yeah I’d dry you off,
And lotion your body down with some baby magic,
You’d like that wouldn’t you?
I’d wash your hair.
I’d do anything you want me to.
You know I don’t care.
This monologue is amazing. Confirmation of liking bubbles? Sure. But no. Boyz/Men, here’s what I need: Get me some mac and cheese. Hand me the remote. Quietly leave the room for a few hours. I love you. PS what is baby magic??????(???????)
50 CANDLES (II, 1994)
Come and get this,
Waited all my life for your touch and soft kiss.
And life will never be the same,
While ya moan and groan I hear your voice call my name.
Holding your body like a plastic molding
Your soul I’ll be controlling,
As the candles burn, we toss and turn,
From night to day, all our pleasures we learn.
Come and play with me,
Tonight’s our night baby.
50 candles burn bright.
Come and roll with me,
Make love to me,
Hold on tight,
It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
It’s obvious why this is my number one pick; the use of PLASTIC MOLDING as a sexual monolyric. PLASTIC MOLDING? Plastic molding. Plastic. Molding. It’s genius. It’s unabashed. I’m into it.
Caroline Moss works at Business Insider where she covers teens and technology and what teens do with their technology. She also is the co-author of “Hey Ladies,” an email series that can be read on The Toast, and has had bylines in Cosmopolitan and Slate. She loves chips and dogs and “When Harry Met Sally.”