The Week in Us Weekly Daily Email Headlines

I don’t consciously remember signing up for Us Weekly’s Daily Emails, I think they just knew that I needed them.

At first, they really came just once a day. Just one daily email that I would look forward to all morning, with all the important celebrity news I needed about Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie and other people we cared about years but don’t so much care about anymore.

But, as celebrity news got more and more important, updates and exclusives started coming in, and the good people at Us Weekly were forced to send out urgent alerts and updated newsletters, sometimes ten a week. They had to admit that the flow of information was too forceful to just leak out once a day. They couldn’t parcel out this precious information like prison rations; the people need well-rounded meals! Today, the minimum daily count in my inbox is up to three; breakfast, lunch and dinner, with breaking news still dotting the week.

So now, at least three times a day my phone pings to let me know that a B-lister’s marriage is on the rocks, someone from an ABC /Disney property has done something inane, diet news and that women have legs. All the news that’s fit to print and then some other news, why not, there’s space!

Here are some of the highlights from this week.

August 18, 2014

“Demi Lovato Explains Friendship Status With Selena Gomez”

Just a normal friendship update, like friends give to the media. “Marissa says Jess Borrowed Her Sweater Without Asking But ‘It’s Cool,” Claims Marissa.”

“Celebs’ Amazing and Shocking Post-Divorce Bodies”

This new diet will get you to be half of everything!

“LOL! Watch Joe Francis Get Swaddled by North West’s Nanny”

A fever dream Kanye West had after eating a giant hoagie right before bed.

“To Each His Own! True Blood’s Jim Parrack Claims He Likes to Drink Blood”

Us Weekly is extremely accepting of different lifestyles, unless that lifestyle is a woman weighing more than 115 pounds, or Bruce Jenner doing anything. Please have some propriety, fatties and Bruce.

August 19th, 2014

“Cindy Crawford Pulls Her Kids Out of School Due to Elevated PCB Levels”

Us Weekly teaches me things. From this headline I learned PCB stands for polychlorinated biphenyls, which it seems are mostly harmless, but somewhat dangerous for very young children. Cindy Crawford’s kids are in high school.

“Fit Pregnancy! Snooki Works Her “Bunz & Guns” at 8-Months Pregnant”

Phew! I’m glad. Just because getting pregnant is the most important thing even women who have achieved success and fame in their careers can hope for, it is still less important than never, ever getting fat.

August 20th, 2014

“Michelle Duggar Records Robocall Against Anti-Discrimination Ordinance”

She couldn’t just have her kids individually call every bigot in Arkansas? This seems like a poor use of resources, where resources are too many children.

“Jane Fonda: This Is Why I Have a Ryan Gosling Chair”

The reason is because she’s flawless. File this under “news I can use.”

“Reese Witherspoon’s Son Tennessee Is Getting So Big: See Their Sweet Pic”

Ugh, the body-shaming. Just kidding. My actual-favorite Us Weekly headlines are the ones that sound like they were written by your Aunt Marie. “He’s grown up so much! And did you hear who’s getting maaaaaarried?”

“JWoww Talks Her Post-Baby Body: “S — t is Jiggling”

Alternate headline: Human bodies: Still Human.

August 21st, 2014

“Sarah Jessica Parker Nominates Kim Kardashian for Ice Bucket Challenge”

Haha, just for fun! Just for fun between girls.

“Yowza! Kim K Turns Heads In Skimpy Cutout Jumpsuit, Lost 7 Pounds”

Did You Know? Ryan Seacrest keeps a special scale just for Kim in his office and DMs the results of her daily weigh-in to major media outlets! So if this number seems upsettingly precise, that’s why.

“50 Cent Just Reinvented The Ice Bucket Challenge”

I’m assuming he dumped Vitamin Water on his head. Don’t tell SJP.

“Rich Sommer: Alexis Bledel, Vincent Kartheiser’s Wedding Was “Very Them””

Private, secret wedding described with appropriate meaningless vagueness. Well done, Rich Sommer.

“Angelia Jolie Was Once “Really Horny” On a Man Hunt”

This tidbit came, it turns out, from Mr. Pat O’Brien (srsly), who someone somewhere is still listening to. For one moment, let’s all remember that we forgot about him. The force of our remembrance will turn him into a cloud of dust whispering, “threesome?” as it is swept away into the wind.

August 22nd, 2014

“J.Lo: I Do Not “Whore Around,” Would Get Married For Fourth Time!”

The business of being a superstar is constantly asserting you are not a sex worker.

“Whoa! Scott Weiland Impersonator in Jail, Fooled Police for Whole Month”

“Ha-ha, I may have spent the last thirty days in jail but I GOT YOU GOOD.” I actually suspect this guy may be a genius that I don’t understand, and headlines like this make it all worth it.

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