The One True Guide To Having Curly Hair
by Sarah-Grace Sweeney
This is the only way to tame your wild mane.
1. Sleep on a pillow of cirrus clouds, though cumulus clouds will do if you don’t wish to travel so high up in the atmosphere. Regular pillows will cause an eruption of frizz from your volcano of hair.
2. You may only wash your curly hair once every 6.37 days. If you stray from this timeline, the many oils of your scalp will grossly overproduce and you will perpetually look like a wet dog.
3. Condition your hair with an entire bottle of newborn baby tears. The older the baby is, the less conditioning its tears become. Find one just out of the womb for best results.
4. As soon as you condition your hair, you must brush it 16 times with a fork made of pure gold. Brushes and combs are for peasants with straight hair.
5. Never touch your wet hair. If there is hair in your eyes you CAN NOT use your own hands to adjust it. The wind will blow it out of your way if it is meant to be.
6. After the drying process, you can use a stick of organic unsalted butter to smooth any frizzies or baby hairs on top of your head.
7. Throughout the day it is important to whisper into your curls that you love them and appreciate how decorative and festive they make your head look.
8. You never want your hair to feel neglected or lacking in purpose. Let her hold a pen or pencil for you, maybe even a packaged snack.
9. Never, and I mean never, style your hair in a fancy manner. No ponytails, no buns, no banana clips, no pigtails, no chignons, no chopsticks. Your hair will react by eating the ponytail holder and bobby pins and giving you a massive headache.
10. If you ever try to straighten your bouncing and bountiful curls that were a gift from the witchy haired goddesses before you, there is a 93.2% chance all of your hair will fall out.