Overheard at a Women-Only Charity Event

by Mackenzie Mays


“So many wedges.”

“Turn it down for what!”

“When my milk came in, I had like, porn star boobs.”

“Look at all that pasta.”

“This 50 Cent song is all for you.”

“There’s a little pregnant lady dancing. You go girl!”

“She shouldn’t have worn cream to your wedding.”

“Why isn’t this an all-woman band?”

“Why isn’t the DJ a woman?”

“Where the fuck do you smoke?”

“I know that I need to not smoke but I still need it, ya know?”

“Let me use your purse leather to open my beer.”

“I thought this was beer.”

“I am so poor that I was chugging peanuts to fill up.”

“Who’s the hype man?”

“Someone tell the DJ this is not about him.”

“Can’t stop sweating.”

“Still confused about the strapless dress. What do you do, free-boob?”

“You guys are all so beautiful. Like, there’s not enough time to hug you all and grab all your butts.”

“Ugh, my fat arm ruins another picture.”

“Hey, can we have… Hey.”

“I can see your freckles.”

“Fuck the Cupid Shuffle.”

“Ew, trash juice got on me.”

“Mom told me I need an Otter Box and I’m like, are you kidding me?”

“Oh my God, I’m dead.”

“Scott told me I should give him a BJ 3 times a week and he Googled the health benefits.”

“Pumpkin pie almonds shut the fuck up.”

Previously: A Men’s Fashion Guide to Music Festivals

Mackenzie Mays is a journalist who likes to share a string cheese with her dog, Norah, every now and then.