More Letters from Confused Straight Man

Dear Civilities: Recently, I was watching Larry King interview Anna Paquin, who has said repeatedly that she’s bisexual, and wondered what you thought of it. Now that she’s married to a man (“happily, monogamously,” she added), King asked if that means she’s a “non-practicing bisexual.” She answered, “I don’t think it’s a past-tense thing.” I’m a straight married guy and I think pretty broad-minded about this stuff, but I’m confused because I thought the definition of bisexual was someone who slept with partners of either sex. So what does that even mean, to be a monogamous, married bisexual? If she’s married to a man and never sleeps with women, doesn’t that make her straight?

— Confused straight man

Today everyone’s friend “confused straight man” wrote a letter to Washington Post’s Civilities column asking about married lady Anna Paquin’s abandoned bisexuality. “It makes her straight!” he pleads, “MAKE HER BE STRAIGHT.” Of course, this is far from the first time that “confused straight man” has written to America’s illustrious advice columnists with a problem. Some of his other quandaries:

Dear Abby,

My sister is a lesbian and I totally respect that. To each her own! I have a coworker who is also a lesbian. And she’s single! I offered to set my sister up with my coworker but my sister declined. But they’re both lesbians! What gives?

– Confused straight man

Dear Prudence,

My beloved wife of 15 years has started to put on weight. It was gradual at first, a few ounces here and there, but now we’re getting into the pound range. Multiple pounds, even. I’ve tried pointing this out by throwing away all our snack foods and surprising her with a gym membership, but she seems content to let her waistline grow a little more each year. Why would she change even if that change makes me less sexually attracted to her?

– Confused straight man

Dear Sugar,

My girlfriend seems to get emotional about every little thing: commercials, sappy movies, a hurt animal in the road, her work, her friends, her family, our relationship, her son… How do I deal with this constant onslaught of feelings? How can I make her stop feeling?

– Confused straight man

Dear Social Q’s

I have an acquaintance who claims to be a homosexual, but as far as I can tell he doesn’t like any of the homosexual things. I have brought up Cher and ballet and flower arrangements and those really long skinny cigarettes, but he never seems to want to talk about any of it. He’s single (I always see him a different guy, but no one seems to stick around), and I assume it’s because he can’t keep a man’s interest. How can I tell him he is doing it wrong (without him having a hissy fit)?

– Confused straight man

Dear Dan Savage,

Who is Clitoris?

– Confused straight man

[Washington Post]

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