I Swear I’m Going to Be a Really Cool Bride

by Laura Willcox

so chill

Hello esteemed women in my life!

I know what you’re thinking: not another wedding! I’m probably like the billionth one of your friends to get engaged this year and clutter your Facebook newsfeed with our big announcement (we only posted it there for our families — so obnoxious!) So thanks again for agreeing to be a part of our “special day.” Ew!

First of all, just want to say I’m so excited to have you all as my bridesmaids, which, yuck, is totally the worst word ever. You aren’t my “maids”; you’re my best friends and also adult women whom I admire deeply! It’s just another aspect of the wedding-industrial complex that Brayden and I were hoping to avoid by simply eloping, but our parents would have killed us! Rest assured, if it were up to me, we wouldn’t even have a wedding seeing as they’re nothing more than a patriarchal charade designed to drain one’s life savings. We’re basically just doing it because our families would be SO crushed if we didn’t. Plus they’re paying for it so we really have no choice 🙁

So we’re going to suck it up and have a wedding, but we’re doing it our way: untraditional to say the least! Don’t think of yourselves as my bridesmaids, think of yourselves as my friends who are attending my wedding, or attendants!

First and foremost: there will be no ugly bridesmaids dresses! Making you all wear the same dress is just not my thing. So just pick out a knee-length chiffon dress in any shade on the salmon to coral color spectrum. And yes, rose, peach, blush, and rosé do fall within that spectrum. Just no PINK please!! I’m trying to keep our wedding from being too gender normative. Remember, have fun with it! Make it your own!

Next thing: the bouquets. I know, I know: could they be a thinner metaphor for the fact that I’m now eligible to lose my virginity according to society’s double standards for women? I might as well have all of us walk down the aisle carrying photos of vaginas! But I mean if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it right, you know? That’s why I’m having orchids imported from Africa!! (Thing is, they only ship to the East Coast because they have to be transported by boat!!!! Allie you could probably pick them up? They also need to be driven across the country to our venue [a golf club in Santa Monica, but like, a cool golf club] but that can totally be on your own schedule! I know you just had a baby so let me know what works, it just has to be like 1–2 days before the wedding so anywhere within that window is perfecto!)

Also: speeches! This should be the fun part of the night, a chance to really leave your personal, unique stamp on our crazy little “wedding”–if you can even call it that! Katie, as my best friend and MOH the speech is totally on you, girlfriend! Let’s hope your childhood stutter doesn’t resurface! Haha JK JK don’t stress it. But in case it does come back I have Brayden’s cousin on standby to do a speech because she’s the current Poet Laureate, so that should help take the pressure off of you. You’re going to do so great! Anything goes, just really have fun with it! And make sure to send a copy to me a week beforehand so I can make sure it fits in with the theme of the night, which is definitely laid back, low-key, off the cuff.

And I know most other brides demand a lot of their bridesmaids: throw me a shower! Come to all my wedding dress fittings! Now throw me a bachelorette party! That’s so not me! I don’t even want a shower, to be honest. They’re weird and outdated! Instead of a shower let’s just get together and have a cute little brunch, sip some champagne, play some fun hokey wedding-themed games, eat some cake, open some presents, and just hang out us gals! Just let me know who wants to host this informal gathering!

Thank you so much you guys! I know this wedding stuff is so stupid but hopefully I’ll be the most laid back bride you’ve ever been a maid to LOL!

Oh and if you could, can you guys be sure to post and share our proposal video? Brayden spent a lot of money on that flash mob so we’re hoping to get to at least 100,000 views. So stupid, I know, but it’s the least you could do.

Future Mrs. Brayden Duvet

Laura is a writer/actress/improviser living in New York City. She performs weekly at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and has appeared on MTV’s Hey Girl, Comedy Central’s Inside Amy Schumer, and has written for Girl Code, Cosmopolitan, The Date Report, and Nerve. She does all her tweeting via @Laura_Willcox on Twitter.com