“What’s In Your Handbag?” Submission Rejects

by Kira Garcia


What’s in your handbag, Freyja, Norse goddess of love, sexuality, beauty, fertility, gold, seiðr, war, and death?

Gold eyeliner that a friend gave me because she’s a mortal and she wasn’t sure she could pull it off, empty containers of skyr, that strained Icelandic yogurt that I’m super addicted to, an overdue Comcast bill, Garnier bb cream and SO many treats for the nine magical grey cats who pull my chariot, (gluten-free ones for Helga who has a sensitive tummy). I love these creatures, but they’re useless when they have low blood sugar.


What’s in your handbag, Louka, female Tapir recently relocated to a French wildlife park to pair up with male Tapir Thakeray?

Oof, way too much, I always overpack when I travel! I mean, the usual fruit, berries, and leaves, particularly young, tender growth, since I eat like 40 kg of vegetation a day and I wasn’t sure what they’d have on offer here in France. Plus, some calcium chewables which are super important to keep my chisel-shaped incisors healthy so they can process all the leaves I eat. Also, a little Pantene pro-V since I tend to get split ends in hot weather — I leave it on while I’m checking email over coffee and then hop back in the shower to rinse it off. Works like a charm!


What’s in your handbag, La Llorona, legendary Mexican ghost of a woman who drowned her children in order to be with the man that she loved?

Stila eyeshadow in dove grey, a portable hair dryer, a gauzy white scarf (I have like a million of them, it’s my signature piece), and a FULL frequent buyer punch card from Red Mango which I plan to cash in for a refreshing treat if I can ever get out of this fucking limbo between the spirit and living worlds! Ugh.


What’s in your handbag, anonymous catalogue model of nurse uniforms?

Yikes, what ISN’T in my bag? Obvi my Kerastase Sleek N Flat spray cause this hair does NOT do this on its own, plus a Lean Cuisine since craft service on these shoots is a joke, and my severed left pinkie toe (long story, I’m an amateur woodworker). Hoping that one of the other ‘nurses’ around here has some actual medical training and can reconnect it after we wrap.


What’s in your handbag, 1890’s bandit and noted train robber Laura Bullion?

Hahaha, my middle finger! Wait, look — there’s two! Ahhhh, I’m just messin with ya. After the last heist I was feelin’ pretty flush and splurged on this real nice Creme de la Mer daytime moisturizer with a mineral sunscreen that also diminishes fine lines around the eyes and mouth. I also cannot live without an extra hair tie or two (it got in my face once as I was leapin’ off a trestle outside of Tulsa and it damn near killed me), plus, of course the gold-plated custom Derringer I got off of a guy after a real lucky hand at poker. I’ve named her Charlene. Wanna hold her? Just kidding, touch it and you’re dead.


What’s in your handbag, Ithell Colquhon, Surrealist painter, mystic, and occultist?

A slightly smaller handbag, which contains a slightly smaller handbag, which contains a slightly smaller handbag, which contains a slightly smaller handbag, which contains Alastair Crowley’s curried rice recipe.

Previously: Mad Libs: Art House Cinema Edition

Kira Garcia enjoys puns, feminism, textiles, and history. She lives in beautiful Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn with her girlfriend and two handsome cats.