Bloodfeast: The Nutella Bacon Burger
by Marie Lodi
“Bloodfeast” is a new period foods-themed recipe column.
Happy Period Day, everyone! Time to roll out the fanfare of cheesy carbs and whatever gluttonous pleasures you lovingly reward yourself with during your moment of bloodspill. Whenever it is my own goddess moon time of the month, I crave A BIG ASS BURGER. I like to call this ritual, “Blood in, Blood Out.” I’ll go to In-N-Out for some animal style or hit up a greasy spoon diner, it doesn’t matter. Red meat and melty cheese dance in my eyes like emoji hearts.
This last time it was period burg time, I wanted something sweet to go with my savory… simultaneously! Entrer, Nutella.
Nutella was pretty much a staple in my house growing up. We’d smear it on regular white bread and eat it for a snack. And now I’m about to put it on BEEF. Did you know that one of the original names for Nutella was “Supercrema”? That’s right. Supercream! Giovanni Ferrero, the man who also created THESE delicious balls of magic, came up with this delicious hazelnut spread back in the days when chocolate was too expensive for everyone to afford. What a saint of a man. I wonder if he’ll roll around in his grave after reading this recipe.
Nutella Bacon Burger
1l b grass fed ground beef (makes about four burgs)
4 slices sharp cheddar cheese
1–2 sweet onions
½ cup nutella
1 teaspoon sea salt
½ teaspoon pepper
⅛ cup almond flour (optional for binding)
1 teaspoon garlic powder
8 slices bacon
4 brioche buns (if you want to get fancy because “Brioche” just makes you sound even more legit but any bun will do)
½ tablespoon of butter
½ tablespoon of olive oil
Lately I’ve been super obsessed with caramelized sweet onions and have been putting them on everything, so it was only natural they’d make a cameo on this burg. First, peel and slice your onions. Heat a saute pan over medium heat, then add the butter and olive oil to the pan, making sure every inch of the pan is well-lubed. Once the butter starts sizzling, but not burning, toss in the onions. Mix them around so they are evenly coated in the butter/oil, then turn down the heat a bit and let them start to brown. Make sure to add a little bit of butter if needed so the onions don’t stick and burn. The thing about caramelizing these onions is that you will need to let them take their sweet (no pun intended) time. Let them bathe in the pan, relaxing, like they are at the Korean spa.
At the same time you do your onions, start cooking your bacon. Pro tip: make sure that the pan is cold/room temperature. If you cook bacon on a hot skillet, it can most likely burn. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing. No judgment.)
Prepare the Meat
Combine beef with seasonings, egg, and almond flour in a bowl. Form four plump meatballs with your own bare hands! Heat your skillet (cast iron recommended) over medium heat. Add a tiny bit of olive oil to grease the pan. Once skillet is warm, place your meatballs in the pan then flatten them with a spatula and quickly flip. Generously season this side of the meat with your sea salt. Cook burgers until desired doneness, topping with your cheddar close to the end, letting it melt sensually.
Toast your bunz and assemble your new masterpiece. Heat the ½ cup of Nutella in the microwave for 30 seconds. Generously drizzle over the bacon and finally top with the caramelized onions. Keep your bowl of Nutella handy because you will find yourself wanting to smother your burger in more and more Nutella. If you’re nice, let someone take a bite. Even if it is a non-menstruating MAN.
Marie Lodi is the president of a pizza club in LA. She is also a staff writer and the resident style advice columnist at Rookie. Richard Simmons once said she moved like a stripper. Read more of her stuff at agentlover.com and follow her everywhere @agentlover.