Better Yoga Poses: A Daily Routine
by Gabriella Paiella
Go to a public park and get in Downward Facing Dog. Rip a fart directly at each park-goer who passes behind you.
Assume the Child’s Pose, then start sobbing loudly. Pound your fists on the floor while wailing. The louder you cry, the more you’re working your core. Demand cheddar Goldfish and a sippy cup of chocolate milk to replenish your energy when you’re finished.
The Vengeful Lotus
Sit cross-legged in front of your computer at 2 a.m. with your browser open to your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s healthy living blog. Scroll down, seething at every “creative, delicious, and totally satisfying” raw food recipe you come across. Really stretch out those fingers by G-chatting a friend every grammatical error you find.
The Safe Space
Wait until your coworker starts telling you about her [juice cleanse/ baby shower/ misbehaving cat] then slowly ease your head forward until you’re facedown on your keyboard. Lift both arms, and embrace your own head. Rock back and forth, back and forth.
Every day, sneak into the last five minutes of a yoga class in your neighborhood. When the instructor tells the class “namaste,” screech like a banshee and pelt her with tiny rocks.
Lay facedown on your bed with arms and legs outstretched so that you’re covering as much space as you possibly can. Variation: Screaming Starfish.
Breathe deeply. Twist your upper body around, then put a coconut water up your butt.
Love and light.
The Wake-Up Call
Go to Lululemon and spend $90 on yoga pants. When you return home, wrap the spandex pant legs around your neck and pull tighter and tighter until you lose consciousness.
Previously: The Weather Channel Apocalypse
Photo via gotshoo/flickr.
Gabriella Paiella writes (and tweets) from Brooklyn. Yes, her name rhymes.