44 Questions Five-Year-Olds Asked Me On a Rainy Day at a Florida Summer Camp

by Tyler Gillespie


“Did you know One Direction is my brothers?”

“But how are we going to have fun?”

“Can I eat chocolate for breakfast?”

“What’s four plus four? Fish.”

“Do you want a bomb?”

“Did you know I found this hair-band at the beach?”

“Do you know I’m hungry? I only ate four chocolate muffins with milk.”

“I didn’t brush my teeth this morning. Do you want to smell my breath?”

“Are Batman and Superman on the same team?”

“Am I in trouble?”

“Can you please put ‘Turn It Down For What’ on the radio?”

“Did you know a cowboy sings this song?”

“My bone is sticking out of my skin so I have a doctor’s appointment later. Do you know that?”

“Why don’t you have a cape? We can buy you one.”

“I have a question: Did you get a mohawk?”

“Where do teddy bears go?”

“What about Michael Jackson?”

“Does everybody have to?”

“Right now?”

“Can you tell these people to stop bugging me for this car?”

“How many times do I have to tell him to be nice?”

“Can anyone see me?”

“Will you tell her to stop mimicking me?”

“Do bunnies lay eggs?”

“I have a Lego boat at my house. Did you know that?”

“Can you teach me how to tell time and read?”

“Can we do a word that has a little bit of letters?”

“Can I have a sticker?”

“Can I do the Macarena by myself for the talent show?”

“Can I call you nail-head?”

“Can we play the Ice King game from the other day?”

“Are you good or evil?”

“Can you guess what I just said to that kid? ‘Peace out.’”

“Can we play kitty, please? Meow.”

“Why is everybody being so quiet?”

“What if there were like a million ants?

“Is this door made of wood? I’m allergic to wood.”

“Did you know Ricky is my twin?” [Note: They are not related.]

“Do you have my kitty treats with you? No, I’m serious.”


“You mean kitty?”

“What about if I scratch myself, and I’m all itchy?”

“Today’s my adopted baby’s birthday. I used all my money to get her. She wears her underclothes all the time. You remember her, right?”

“Will you be the creepy mailman who turns nice at the end of the story?”

Previously: On Having a Gay Voice

Tyler Gillespie is the palest Floridian you will ever meet. He has written for Salon, The Daily Beast, Paste, and Out.com. He tweets @TylerMTG.