by Chelsea Upton
A comprehensive guide to my next Ladies’ Night with my friend Caroline.
1. Watch Blackfish again. Discuss: Does SeaWorld know how much we know? That, in seeing Blackfish multiple times, our spirits have birthed themselves into angry, vengeful orcas? Does SeaWorld know what is coming? Is SeaWorld afraid?
2. Arts and crafts. We can construct papier-mâché wings and I will call myself Lucifer (The #TBT version).
3. At-home bar. This is where we pretend that we are at the bar but it’s really me pouring your beer for you and forcefully coughing until you give me a dollar tip.
4. Actual bar. This is where we’re really at a bar but we pretend that the bartender is an orca that we need to set free.
5. Watch movies on Netflix that aren’t Blackfish. There are some other movies. I checked.
6. Take Internet quizzes made by preteens on the popular site Quizilla. It’s been so long, I forgot which Harry Potter character represents my Inner Spirit and what my favorite dragonfly species (damselfly, represent!) says about me.
7. Misandrist Uprising. (We will spare the male orcas.)
8. A game of Truth or Dare in which you’re not allowed to ask me existential questions or dare me to do anything I don’t want to do.
9. We have a makeover session where you turn me into David Bowie and I turn you into Caroline Wearing Blue Eyeshadow.
10. I reenact my favorite scenes from the movie US Marshalls. You reenact my favorite scenes from Jurassic Park while I give you firm but constructive criticism.
11. We both reenact scenes from my Jurassic Park fanfiction, in which two young raptors try to survive and thrive in their Manhattan editorial internships.
12. Start a Tumblr dedicated to pit stains.
13. The floor is lava everything is lava I’m slowly dying save me Caroline my feet have burned off why why why why I knew I shouldn’t have stolen from that witch.
14. We play chess even though I’ve never formally learned how, but I hear the queen is in charge and I like that.
15. We both go on a juice fast but only for three hours and I get to add as much sugar to the juice as I want.
16. Solve a Unicorn Puzzle.
17. Use the Internet to learn how to build birdhouses. Use this knowledge to pick up babes (and birds).
18. We go to opposite sides of my apartment and I lay on my stomach and you lay on your back. We rotate toward each other 90 degrees every 15 minutes, or until our forearms touch. Then we rotate the opposite way until we hit a wall. Repeat as necessary.
19. We make a YouTube playlist of animal sounds, and then when someone visits and asks what we are listening to we just say, “Nature.”
20. We get on Craigslist and post in Missed Connections about every burrito we’ve ever eaten. “I knew you for a bit, but then I didn’t know you. You were gone, leaving me with only a wrapper and a stomach in turmoil.”
21. Make one of those dartboards with the face of a person that we don’t like on it and nickname him “Porous.”
22. Pop bottles but in the safety and comfort of our own home and not in an area with dubious lighting.
23. Tell each other ghost stories, but in these stories the ghosts are friendly and everyone learns a valuable lesson about climate change.
24. We play a game of I Spy but instead of spying colors we spy our own really specific feelings about the current congressional lineup.
25. Go through someone’s Twitter feed and slowly and methodically favorite 100 of their tweets, until they are either shattered with paranoia or rejuvenated with the idea that we find them entertaining.
26. Assemble my IKEA furniture, but in a fun way.
27. Flip cup. Instead of alcohol all of the cups have milk. (I’m lactose intolerant, so this might not be a lot of fun for you, Caroline.)
28. Paint our toenails the color of our skin so it looks like we have no toenails.
29. Have a pillow fight where we both lay down on two separate pillows and use our words.
30. Schedule another ladies night.
Photo via thebeest/flickr.
Chelsea Upton was once described as having a “high pain tolerance” by a dentist.