How to Take Advantage of Rhubarb Season
MAKE A PIE
Go to the liquor store and get margarita mix and a handle of tequila. Set up a Facebook invite called “PIE PARTY,” making sure to invite every woman you know, but especially the girl with the food blog.
Guests begin to arrive.
“Where’s this pie?” Julia asks. She’s wearing a tea-length cocktail dress and carrying a chartreuse felt clutch.
“Here’s a margarita. Be right back.”
Three hours later, the food blog girl will have made you and all your guests a pie. She had some spare vegetable shortening in her purse.
Tell your 10-year-old cousin that rhubarb is celery dipped in blood.
CROSS HATCH CHAIR
You’re not much of a crafter but a cool idea for a chair is if you took 16 stalks of rhubarb and cross hatched them into a seat. You’ve also never used Pinterest but see how many pins you can get from this idea. Count up all your pins, luxuriate in the validation.
Fact: All moms are named Barbara.
Is a menorah a candelabra? Are 10 candles better than one? Can you stuff a handful of rhubarb stalks into a glass filled with oil and make it a homemade scent diffuser? Sell this idea to Pier 1 Imports, you are a fucking genius.
Make another Facebook invite for a “CANNING PARTY.” You’re going to have to invite different people since the last party lost you the trust of nearly every woman in your circle. This time, with the second tier invitees, suggest wearing bonnets and canning rhubarb to last through the winter harvest.
“Sry, can’t make it to this one!” an ex-coworker named Natalie posts.
“Me either! Got plans with Jeremy!” another contributes.
Can 30 pounds of rhubarb by yourself on a Friday night while listening to Aretha Franklin. The next morning, leave one jar on all your friends’ doorsteps. In gold Sharpie on the lid you have written, “CAN I LIVE.”
You’re getting good at this crafting shit.
Is rhubarb Beaker from the Muppets?
THIS COULD BE US
But you playin’.
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