George Clooney Based Gym Fantasy

Cheer Up Cloons

George Clooney: Excuse me, do we know each other? You look very familiar.

Me: I don’t think so — if you’ll excuse me, I’m very busy crushing this workout right now — [puts gloves on, and dead lifts 2 lb free weights]

George Clooney: No, I know I’ve seen you before! Have you been to Lake Como recently?

Me: Obviously, who hasn’t?

George Clooney: Yes! I saw you at a restaurant, and when the check came you made your joke “but I thought we were family?” like in Olive Garden commercials and no one laughed but me!

Me: The subtlety of my humor must have been lost in translation. But yes, that was me. Anyway, better get back to this workout! [gets cocky and deadlifts 3 lb free weights]

George Clooney: What brought you to Italy anyway?

Me: I can hardly remember — I travel so much to glamorous locations. I probably had a half day at work and just popped over to Italy. Anyway, must get back to this! [tries to copy the squatting technique I see a woman in her seventies doing next to me]

George Clooney: I really don’t look familiar to you at all?

Me: Now that I think about it, you do sort of look like Rosemary Clooney, and I think I’ve seen you once on an old Facts of Life rerun maybe?

George Clooney: [overcome with emotion] Look, I must be with you! I’ve never met anyone like you before! You seem like you really have an appreciation for the finer things like Leslie Nielsen, food truck festivals, and watching youtube videos of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts!

Me: Look Cloons, I know your type and I’m not into it. I’m sure you’re generous with the +1s to awards shows and I can’t say I’m not intrigued by the idea of a romantic relationship where most of our activities are based around pranking Matt Damon, but no thanks! I know your reputation and I’m not sculpting my bod doing three reps of five squats for some fling with John Goodman’s sidekick from Roseanne!

George Clooney: First of all, it wouldn’t be some fling! I can commit to you fully and give you everything a man can give a woman for 15–19 months tops! Or maybe even forever! I feel like it would be different with you.

Me: There’s no way Cloons. You’re embarrassing yourself now.

George Clooney: But I’ve never felt this way before! When I look at you, you have a glow that’s intoxicating!

Me: Thanks, I accidentally fell asleep in my pilates class before, so I’m a bit refreshed now…[finishes the fifteenth squat] Well, I’m done exercising. I’m going to go hit the locker room and try not to stand next to women who are completely naked except for socks while blowdrying their hair. Goodbye, Cloons. Goodbye, forever.

[Spoiler: I do end up surrounded by naked women blowdrying their hair in the locker room. Clooney ends up spending the rest of his life wondering about me and what might have been.]