Welcome to Subaru Roadside Assistance & Empowerment
by Kira Garcia and Ben Riskin
Thank you for calling Subaru roadside assistance and empowerment. This call may be monitored for quality assurance.
Before we start, we’d like to ask you a few questions so that we can provide you with better service. If this is a life-threatening emergency, or if you have tickets to a WNBA game that starts in fewer than 30 minutes, please hang up and dial 911.
— Let’s begin.
We have identified you using your phone number. According to our records, your Preferred Gender Pronoun is
Is that still accurate?
— Great. We have located you using your phone’s GPS. Please be aware, wait times may vary depending on your proximity to a Herstory Archive.
Please say or enter the number of cats and/or rescued pit bulls in the car.
— Okay. Would you describe your current state as “in crisis”?
— And what is the nature of the crisis?
Press 1 for Nonspecific Engine Trouble
Press 2 for Mercury in Retrograde
Press 3 for Scent-free space violation
Press 4 for Accident caused by dream catcher blocking the windshield
Press 5 for Accident caused by cat blocking the windshield
— Great. Let’s proceed. Is anyone in the vehicle wounded?
Press 1 for physical wounds
Press 2 for psychic wounds
Press 3 for emotional wounds
Press 4 for generalized malaise caused by a struggle to “coexist.”
— Okay. Now we’ll need some information so our assistance team can reach you. Please state the make and model of your Subaru automobile.
— Great. Are there any identifying marks on your automobile?
Press 1 for “See You in August” bumper sticker
Press 2 for abstract oil painted exterior
— Okay. Let’s continue. Are there any nearby landmarks to help our assistance team locate you?
Press 1 for Massachusetts court house
Press 2 for Drum Circle
Press 3 for Yoni Cave
Press 4 for Independent Bookstore
Press 5 if you are calling from anywhere within the State of Michigan in August
— Thank you. One moment please.
Thank you for holding. Based on the information you’ve given us, we’ve determined that you are an empowered female-identified person, vigorously working to rise above the patriarchy’s microaggressions and demoralizing imagery used to demean you. Accordingly, we encourage you to establish a working group focused on resolving your own vehicular crisis.
If you are unable to do so within one hour, we will send the rugby team from the nearest women’s college to collaborate with you in resolving the issue. Blessed be.
Photo via elliottcable/flickr.
Kira Garcia and Ben Riskin are lifelong feminists who love Subarus, women’s colleges, and Ani DiFranco sing-alongs.