16 Things I Wish Were Nail Polish Colors Inspired by My January 2014
by Melanie LaForce
Polar Vortex: white dappled with the occasional angry gray speck
Vitamin Pee: neon charteuse
Lena Dunham’s Areola: depending on lighting, sometimes brown, sometimes pink
Under-Seasoned Root Vegetable Soup: Brown-yellow flecked with green
Dog Poopsicle: shimmering brown
Kimchi Vomit: violent pink
Jacqueline Bisset’s Golden Globes Speech: garbled rouge-taupe.
Insanity DVD Underarm Sweat: soiled, slightly blood-red translucent
Airport Nausea: acidic yellow
28-Day Old Turkey Gravy Left in the Back of the Fridge: gray with a little brown
Marijuana-Induced Panic Attack: Purple?
18 Million Buzzfeed Quizzes: Depends on which Disney princess you are
Dead Frozen Alley Rat: slight variation on 28-Day Old Turkey Gravy
Butter Sandwich: creamy, beautiful, gentle, wonderful sunshine-y yellow
Jonah Hill Masturbating: guess
Celexa Smiles & Xanax Dreams: everything-is-fine-sparkly
Melanie is a writer and researcher living in Logan Square, Chicago, IL who tweets @rileycoyote.