16 Things I Wish Were Nail Polish Colors Inspired by My January 2014

by Melanie LaForce

Polar Vortex: white dappled with the occasional angry gray speck

Vitamin Pee: neon charteuse

Lena Dunham’s Areola: depending on lighting, sometimes brown, sometimes pink

Under-Seasoned Root Vegetable Soup: Brown-yellow flecked with green

Dog Poopsicle: shimmering brown

Kimchi Vomit: violent pink

Jacqueline Bisset’s Golden Globes Speech: garbled rouge-taupe.

Insanity DVD Underarm Sweat: soiled, slightly blood-red translucent

Airport Nausea: acidic yellow

28-Day Old Turkey Gravy Left in the Back of the Fridge: gray with a little brown

Marijuana-Induced Panic Attack: Purple?

18 Million Buzzfeed Quizzes: Depends on which Disney princess you are

Dead Frozen Alley Rat: slight variation on 28-Day Old Turkey Gravy

Butter Sandwich: creamy, beautiful, gentle, wonderful sunshine-y yellow

Jonah Hill Masturbating: guess

Celexa Smiles & Xanax Dreams: everything-is-fine-sparkly

Melanie is a writer and researcher living in Logan Square, Chicago, IL who tweets @rileycoyote.