The Hobbit, Reviewed, Perfectly

I was planning on writing something about The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug over the weekend, but then I read this. “Hot Elf Action” was published in The Stranger this week, under the byline J.R.R. Tolkien, and it made me decide to abandon my plan. Why? Because when a thing is done right, people, it does not need to be redone:

Back when I was writing The Hobbit, I kept things pretty simple. (“Maybe a story about some hairy midgets?” I recall scribbling in a margin late one night as I toiled on A Middle English Vocabulary at the University of Leeds. “Perhaps they are sad because they are small.”) So I never even thought of putting in the smoke monster from Lost, or that hobo who lets birds live in his hat, or those pugs. Ahhh! Those pugs! How cute were they, right?! As soon as they wobbled on-screen, I was all, “What! John Ronald Reuel! You idiot!” (Never mind that noise, everybody-it’s just my facepalm! Ha!) I mean, it never even occurred to me to cram all those dwarves into that toilet, or to have that one dwarf, ol’ what’s-his-name, probably Dennis, seduce that beautiful elf warrior princess! Makes perfect sense when you think about it, though, because dwarves’ eyes are right at the same level as elf tits. Five bucks says that in the next movie those two do it.

I haven’t seen this movie yet, so I don’t want to criticize it, and plus, I don’t want to get in trouble with Dave Eggers! But I have a feeling I might not love it. Oh well. I will have to be content with loving the above by-product. [The Stranger]