52 Weeks of Us Weekly

by Bobby Finger

Today Us Weekly posted a gallery containing all 52 of their 2013 covers. It was a glorious gallery, and worth all 52 clicks. Scattered across those wonderful glossy pages were things I will never forget (like Kris Jenner hooking up with Ben F.), things I’d forgotten (like Reese Witherspoon’s drunken arrest), and things I hope to forget (like the cast of Duck Dynasty.) Below is a rundown of Us Weekly’s 2013 cover stories.

Please Note: This list represents the larger 2/3 of the cover, not the 1/3 column of less-important stories. And “Headlines” refers to the large yellow copy in that 2/3.

Every 2013 Headline

  • What Tore Them Apart
  • How I Got Thin Fast
  • Bethenny’s $100 Million Divorce
  • I Will Make Kim Pay
  • Brandi Tried To Destroy My Family
  • I’m Taking Our Baby
  • Brandi Cheated First
  • The Virgin Bachelor
  • My Mistakes As A Mom
  • Torn Between Two Women
  • How I Lost 42 Pounds
  • Secrets Of The Royal Baby
  • Don’t Call Me Fat
  • In Love With A Sex Addict
  • My Best Body Ever
  • Baby Weight Battles
  • I’ll Stand By My Man
  • Stabbed In The Back
  • Countdown To Baby!
  • You Call This Fat?
  • Ready For Baby!
  • Best Bodies Of 2013
  • It’s Over!
  • Wedding & A Baby!
  • Due The Same Day!
  • Inside Kim’s Dramatic Delivery
  • My First Days Home With Baby
  • Bachelors From Hell
  • All About The Royal Baby!
  • Dark Final Days
  • Rejected!
  • Kate’s First Week
  • Kim’s Secret Wedding
  • Tortured By Her Body
  • Bachelor Suicide
  • Jessica’s Baby Joy
  • Hot Fall Fashion
  • Khloe’s Private Hell
  • Jen’s Big Secret Pregnant!
  • Our Family Secrets
  • Inside Kate’s New Home
  • It’s Over!
  • Our Wild Marriage!
  • Katie’s Secret Fling
  • Taking Him Back
  • Life After The Hills
  • 25 Lbs In 3 Months
  • How Baby Changed Kate
  • Secret Affair!
  • Fast Life, Tragic Death
  • My Body Is Back!
  • The Last Straw

Every 2013 Headline As One Insane, Completely Incomprehensible Paragraph

What Tore Them Apart How I Got Thin Fast Bethenny’s $100 Million Divorce I Will Make Kim Pay Brandi Tried To Destroy My Family I’m Taking Our Baby Brandi Cheated First The Virgin Bachelor My Mistakes As A Mom Torn Between Two Women How I Lost 42 Pounds Secrets Of The Royal Baby Don’t Call Me Fat In Love With A Sex Addict My Best Body Ever Baby Weight Battles I’ll Stand By My Man Stabbed In The Back Countdown To Baby! You Call This Fat? Ready For Baby! Best Bodies Of 2013 It’s Over! Wedding & A Baby! Due The Same Day! Inside Kim’s Dramatic Delivery My First Days Home With Baby Bachelors From Hell All About The Royal Baby! Dark Final Days Rejected! Kate’s First Week Kim’s Secret Wedding Tortured By Her Body Bachelor Suicide Jessica’s Baby Joy Hot Fall Fashion Khloe’s Private Hell Jen’s Big Secret Pregnant! Our Family Secrets Inside Kate’s New Home It’s Over! Our Wild Marriage! Katie’s Secret Fling Taking Him Back Life After The Hills 25 Lbs In 3 Months How Baby Changed Kate Secret Affair! Fast Life, Tragic Death My Body Is Back! The Last Straw.

Celebs With The Most Covers

10: Kim Kardashian

8: Kate Middleton

4: Khloe Kardashian

3: Bethenny Frankel
Kris Jenner

2: Lauren Conrad
Duck Dynasty
Brandi Glanville
Desiree Hartstock
Jason Hoppy
Miranda Lambert
Lamar Odom
The Virgin Bachelor

1: Kourtney Kardashian
Kanye West
Kris Humphries
Adrienne Maloof
LeAnn Rimes
Ben Flajnik
Bruce Jenner
Prince William
Tiger Woods
Lindsey Vonn
Blake Shelton
Ann Curry
Channing Tatum
Jenna Dewan
Melissa Gorga
Jessica Alba
Miley Cyrus
Liam Hemsworth
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Cory Monteith
Gia Allemand
Jessica Simpson
Jennifer Aniston
Katie Holmes
Paul Walker

Cover Story Topics

Babies — 13
Relationship Drama — 12
Weight Issues — 10
Royals (Royals) — 8
Bachelor/ette — 5
Feuds — 3
Death — 3
Weddings — 2
Secret Flings — 2
Guilt — 1
Sex Addiction — 1
Fashion — 1
Private Hells — 1
Family Secrets — 1
Where Are They Now? — 1

Note: Some cover stories cover more than one topic.

A Simpler Cover Story Breakdown

Previoulsy: A Few of Their Favorite Things

“Bobby Finger really enjoyed 2013,” says a source.