What’s Your Excuse for Not Having My Body?

by Marissa Maciel

This is my body. I work very hard for it. I sleep every night, eat regularly, lift weights and my 43-pound child, walk a lot, jog when I can, and shower daily. This is my body. What’s your excuse for not having my body?

Can you access clean water daily? You should, because you need to drink water to keep my body hydrated, and water to clean yourself every day, if you want to have my body. I also make tea in that clean water, with herbs that an accupuncturist (certified!) tells me will benefit my body and mind, so what’s your excuse for not having an accupuncturist in your life? Because my body really likes that tea.

Do you have shoes that you can jog in? Orthotic inserts for maximum arch support? Athletic socks that wick moisture away from your feet? If you don’t then you can’t have my body, because my body has feet that require excellent support (plantar fasciitis) and are sensitive to foot fungi.

Did you have a child a couple of years ago? Was your body transformed in myriad ways by that pregnancy and birth and the nursing that came afterwards? My body was, so get to work. Go get pregnant and be delivered of a child via emergency Cesarian section and then nurse that child for at least a year and then you will have my body.

My body has hair all over it, so if you want my body you need to accept the hair that comes with it. This process can take a couple of years, speaking from personal experience, so if you want my body you’d better get started. Don’t wax anything — this body uses tweezers and razors. Stop shaving above the knee because that doesn’t fly with my body. Compare your arm hair with the people around you and accept the fact that your genes determine how hairy you get and love your hairy arms.

Speaking of arms, what’s your excuse for not having my arms? Are your arms capable of lifting heavy objects over your waistline? Then do it! Lift things up and set them down again and you can have my arms. If you have my body you should also know about the muscle spasms that creep up now and then from holding tension in your shoulders, and how sometimes that feels like a heart palpitation but it’s not, it’s okay.

Food is really important for my body and I need to eat a lot of protein to keep this shape. Meat and eggs are good, and so are nuts and seeds. Beans are great, but be ready for the gas that comes with this-body-plus-beans. But there is no excuse for not eating beans because my body, THIS BODY, needs protein and complex carbs and beans are Where It’s At. Just beware of dairy — my body hates dairy.

If you want a body like this, then what is your excuse? I don’t have time for your excuses: There is no excuse for you to not have my body.

Previously: Five Allegories for Apathy

Marissa Maciel writes, tweets and blogs.