Soap Is the Devil

by Emma Rosenblum

According to this Dove commercial, soap is your skin’s worst enemy. But that’s just the beginning.

Soap is stripping your skin of its essential nutrients.

Soap is drying you out.

Soap is making you scaly.

Soap is rubbing off your outermost epidermis layer.

Soap is irritating your innermost epidermis layer.

Soap is eliminating all your dewy beauty.

Soap is bringing out your wrinkles.

Soap is giving you a rash.

Soap is scratching you like sandpaper.

Soap is scratching you like a cat.

Soap is scratching you like your younger sister.

Soap is turning you into a hag.

Soap isn’t returning your texts.

Soap is leaving the AC on while you’re at work.

Soap is slurping its coffee loudly.

Soap will only go to vegan restaurants.

Soap erased your unwatched Dateline from the DVR.

Soap “forgot” to return your favorite shirt.

Soap is wearing your perfume. You think.

Soap copied your hairstyle, and then blamed it on the stylist.

Soap is draining all the charge from your phone.

Soap is sneaking into your room and rearranging your drawers.

Soap logged into your email and sent all your drafts.

Soap is licking your toothbrush after you use it.

Soap told your boss that you lied on your resume.

Soap snipped off a piece of your hair while you were sleeping.

Soap released bed bugs into your apartment.

Soap left your boyfriend an anonymous note, written in blood, that said, “Your girlfriend is sleeping with someone else.”

Soap replaced your glasses’ lenses with a weaker prescription

Soap replaced your birth control pills with small, white candy.

Soap is putting needles in your cereal.

Soap is making you break out.

Previously: More Logo Friend Scenarios

Emma Rosenblum hates body wash, and will only use soap.