More Shocking Snack Food News

by Blair Thornburgh

Some enterprising school kids took it upon themselves to investigate, with science, these so-called “Double” Stuf Oreos. The results WILL SHOCK YOU:

The Double Stuf Oreos were 1.86 times the size of regular Oreos, while the Mega Oreos were 2.68 times the size of regular Oreos, by the students’ measure.

Further research breakthroughs may include:

• Danimals Yogurt Contains No Actual Animals

• Funyuns Not Significantly More Entertaining than Regular Onions

• “Miss” Vickie Has Secretly Been in A Common-Law Marriage This Whole Time

• Kraft “American” Singles: Where’s the Birth Certificate?

• Smartfood Popcorn Busted for Falsifying SAT Scores

• Ocean Spray Reported to be Sourced from Ponds, Lakes, and “Possibly Estuaries”

• “No mention” of Doritos Locos Tacos in DSM-V

Cap’n Crunch Not Actual Captain

Previously: Selections From Taco Bell’s New “Millennial Menu”

Blair Thornburgh is a writer in Philadelphia.