A to Z: Discarded Cosmo Sex Tips

by Molly Pohlig

All Buttoned Up: It’s sexy to have sex with your clothes still on, so the more clothes you have on, the sexier the sex. Both of you put on full-on snowsuits, and boy, will it be hot.

Bee Sweet: Tell him that if he covers himself in honey you’ll lick it all off. (N.B.: honey is actually pretty hard to lick off of someone.) Once he’s completely covered and stuck to the bed, excuse yourself to watch The Notebook.

Crisis Call: Fancy a hot mid-day shag? Call him a panic and tell him that you’re being held hostage by a crazed gunman and he’ll be home in no time. Hang up mid-scream.

Do’s and Don’ts: When you’re hooking up with a new flame for the first time, ask him about all of his turn-ons and turn-offs, and make a point of writing them all down. If things end up working out, you can use the turn-offs against him when he neglects to do the dishes.

Eyeful: Make your seduction a literary one. In a nod to this summer’s blockbuster romance, The Great Gatsby, why not wear a saucy yellow bra with a giant pair of eyeglasses on them? Hell-o, Dr. T.J. Eckleburg! While going at it, keep repeating, “God sees everything.”

Flexible Spending: Guys always rave about a flexible girl, but that takes work. If he really wants you flexible, have him hire you a contortionist instructor. You get free workouts out of the deal.

Giddyap, Cowboy: So he’s always had a fantasy of you as a Wild West era saloon girl? Well, he’s going to have to work for it by dressing up in full cowboy regalia. Also, he can only speak in lines said on film by John Wayne. (Examples: “Yup. The end of a way of life.Too bad. It’s a good way. Wagons forward! Yo!” [Hondo], “Every time you turn around expect to see me. ’Cause one time you’ll turn around and I’ll be there, and I’ll kill you, Matt.” [Red River])

Hors d’oeuvres: Serve yourself up as a tasty appetizer, specifically, crostini. Cover all of your naughty bits with an enticing variety of toppings — try Smoked Salmon with Chive Cream Cheese, Pesto with Mini-Cherry Tomatoes, or Mascarpone and Balsamic Vinaigrette (recipes on page 173).

I Spy: If your man gets turned on by the thought of being watched, casually leave the laptop open while you’re getting it on. Then, Skype his mom!

Just Desserts: Show up at his place in a business-like trench coat, with nothing on underneath but a thick layer of whipped cream. Hope it’s not a long drive!

Kitchen Hijinks: Turn the tables on the old “swathe yourself in Saran Wrap” trick. Saran Wrap him to a kitchen chair, and make sure it’s secure. Then go and have yourself a hot bath and a nice glass of wine.

Lipstick Effect: Sure, he says he can read your mind, but he also says he loves you for more than your body. Try this sexy trick: Blow an entire paycheck on some barely-there Agent Provocateur, and top off the look with a pricey new lipstick. What will he notice first? Your to-die-for lingerie or the lipstick that signifies your worry about your newly precarious economic situation?

Morrissey, Take Me Away: Everyone knows that music is essential for setting the mood. And who sets the mood better than Morrissey? No one! Depending on what mood you’re going for, try “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish,” “That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore,” “I Don’t Owe You Anything,” “Angel, Angel Down We Go Together,” “Something is Squeezing My Skull,” or “You’re the One for Me, Fatty.”

No Holds Barred: Challenge your honey to a sexy wrestling match. All holds sanctioned by the International Federation of Associated Wrestling Styles are allowed, including but not limited to joint locks, arm locks, leg locks, chokeholds, strangles, clinch holds, pain compliance, compression locks, and pinning holds.

Old is the New New: Sex on the stairs is cliche. The new hot is so much hotter — you’ll need to borrow an elderly neighbor’s home for a few hours. Once they’re gone, get busy on their stair lift. Up and down and up and down and up and down and….

Push It: Dress up as his favorite member of Salt-n-Pepa, as long as that member is Pepa. Then insist he dress up like Treach from Naughty by Nature, and get huffy when you realize his biceps aren’t as toned.

Quiet, I’m Thinking: Don’t leave him guessing, just narrate your every thought. “His breath isn’t the greatest. I wonder if Beyoncé really uses L’Oreal Infallible Lip Color or does she just wear Dior or something? Is he ever going to finish? I could really go for a grilled cheese right now. With bacon. No, green apples. Haven’t done that in a while. God, he’s still not done?”

Reddleman Role-Play: Put on your best west-country accent and engage in some Thomas Hardy role-playing. You can be Tess and he can be Angel Clare…no, wait. You’re Eustacia Vye and he’s Damon Wildeve…um. Nobody should try Jude and Sue….okay, scratch this one.

Special Delivery: All you need is a UPS uniform, a van, his ID, and an electronic signature. Send him tracking information throughout the day. No sir, I do not know why your package has been delayed in Iowa Point, Kansas, it is a ghost town whose post office closed in 1933. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do from this end, you’ll just have to wait for the information to be updated.

Two Birds with One Blow Job: That friend who’s always complaining about not having a boyfriend? Have your fellatio-obsessed boyfriend take her out on a dreamy date — she gets to do the dirty work, and you get to enjoy a night off!

Über-Massage: Nothing will get his motor running like a sensual massage. Take it to the next level and treat him to a rolfing session. Make sure he has no skeletal, vascular, or clotting disorders. He’ll be totally impressed that you learned a new skill just for him.

Victor/Victoria: Get him in touch with his feminine side. Have him put on your most body-con dress and then do his makeup. Then get him into workout gear and take him to a Soul Cycle class. Have him shower, and do his makeup again. Then it’s back in the dress and off for mani-pedis and waxing, into a new pair of Spanx, and then out for cosmos at a douchey bar where he’ll get “bumped up against” and harassed.

What Dreams Are Made of: Tell him your freakiest dream and ask him to act it out with you. Last night I dreamed I had a dachshund named Daniel who was made out of lentils. He had a lovely smile and was very fond of me and he lived in a tree. Let’s see what he does with that one!

X-Rated Film Festival: Invite him over for a night of X-rated cinema, specifically, Evil Dead II, La Grand Bouffe, Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, and A Clockwork Orange.

You’re Under Arrest!: Men go wild for ladies in uniform. Dress up as ’80s Police-era Sting (spiked hair with frosted tips, one earring, a leather jacket with the collar flipped up) and do a strip-tease to “King of Pain.”

Zachary Taylor Time: Spoon-feed him cherries and iced milk, and whisper to him that he should make love to you like he’s about to die from cholera, acute gastroenteritis, or possibly even an assassination attempt. The threat of impending death will make things super hot.

(Never forget.)

Previously: A to Z: Lesser-Known Hells

Molly Pohlig lives in Brooklyn and works in publishing. She does not own a hedgehog, but is hoping this situation will be rectified soon. She can also be found at Irish lady website www.fanny.ie.