Hypothetical Lady Serial Killers for the Modern Age
by Jessie Guy-Ryan
Nearly 85 percent of real-life serial killers and practically 100 percent of cinematic serial killers are male. In the interest of male/female equality in all aspects of life, the author proposes the below names and modi operandi for female serial killers.
The Vocal Fryer: the last thing you hear is, “Oh, for surrrrrre.”
Horse Girl: leaves glitter pen drawings of horses at all her crimes.
The Leaning In Poisoner: poses all her victims with elbows on the table, decisively engaged.
There’s No Fucking Way You’re 5’10”: named after what she carved into the body of her first victim, a heavy user of OKCupid.
40-Year-Old Actress: the only victim known to survive an attack, aspiring actress Ms. Melyssa MacIntire (@MElyssa, included at the victim’s request), described the perpetrator as, “I don’t know, I barely remember her, she was in that big movie a SUPER long time ago, like 2002.”
The Pickup Artist Artist: legal experts consider a presidential pardon likely, although the mutilations of her victims are too ghastly for description.
Woman Laughing Alone With Salad: witnesses report seeing one near several missing persons, all of whom were last seen eating burritos. Wanted for questioning.
Maniac Pixie Dream Girl: not as into Neutral Milk Hotel as much as she’s into committing murders at hotels.
The Executioner of Privilege: is she the avenging angel of sidelined minority feminists or a self-loathing Smith alumna from King of Prussia, Penn.? FBI profilers are dumbfounded.
Jessie Guy-Ryan is a novice comedian in Boston spending her days working in education and her nights being “hilarious” for her husband and two cats. She won’t murder anyone who follows her on Twitter.