Hypothetical Lady Serial Killers for the Modern Age

by Jessie Guy-Ryan

Nearly 85 percent of real-life serial killers and practically 100 percent of cinematic serial killers are male. In the interest of male/female equality in all aspects of life, the author proposes the below names and modi operandi for female serial killers.

The Vocal Fryer: the last thing you hear is, “Oh, for surrrrrre.”

Horse Girl: leaves glitter pen drawings of horses at all her crimes.

The Leaning In Poisoner: poses all her victims with elbows on the table, decisively engaged.

There’s No Fucking Way You’re 5’10”: named after what she carved into the body of her first victim, a heavy user of OKCupid.

40-Year-Old Actress: the only victim known to survive an attack, aspiring actress Ms. Melyssa MacIntire (@MElyssa, included at the victim’s request), described the perpetrator as, “I don’t know, I barely remember her, she was in that big movie a SUPER long time ago, like 2002.”

The Pickup Artist Artist: legal experts consider a presidential pardon likely, although the mutilations of her victims are too ghastly for description.

Woman Laughing Alone With Salad: witnesses report seeing one near several missing persons, all of whom were last seen eating burritos. Wanted for questioning.

Maniac Pixie Dream Girl: not as into Neutral Milk Hotel as much as she’s into committing murders at hotels.

The Executioner of Privilege: is she the avenging angel of sidelined minority feminists or a self-loathing Smith alumna from King of Prussia, Penn.? FBI profilers are dumbfounded.

Jessie Guy-Ryan is a novice comedian in Boston spending her days working in education and her nights being “hilarious” for her husband and two cats. She won’t murder anyone who follows her on Twitter.