An Open Letter of Resignation From Sideboob
by Joanna Borns
I recently met with Sideboob about the current state of its career. Looking a little melancholy, Sideboob simply said, “I can’t do this anymore,” and asked me to relay this announcement to the public.
From the desk of Sideboob
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Dear Media, Internet, and connoisseurs of famous breasts,
I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as “a thing,” effective immediately.
In these fast-paced times, the exposed side of a woman’s breast no longer causes the excitement of spotting a unicorn or a dog riding a scooter. Now it’s more like seeing a regular horse or a frozen yogurt franchise.
You’re probably saying, “Don’t say that, Sideboob. You’re still relevant.” But I know what I am. I’m the left and/or right side of a boob.
Thank you for the opportunities for professional and personal growth you’ve provided me with over the years. Who knew that such humble beginnings — roughly 10–30 percent lateral visibility of a single breast, and sometimes two — could become one of the most important news stories there is? You made me feel like I wasn’t just sideboob, like I was really something special.
I’m proud that I’ve left behind an enduring, if only partially visible, history in my brief time here.
On so many covers of Maxim, I was there.
Every time Gwyneth Paltrow took peripheral cleavage to an “elegant” place, I was there.
When Rihanna was featured in Kanye West’s “All of the Lights” video, so, too was I.
When Miley Cyrus wore pretty much anything, I was there.
Even when it was an accident, I was there.
But we must all make way for the new generation of exposed body parts with very specific labels to indicate their locations. Underboob, this is your moment. With me out of the picture, you can finally blossom into the breast-related search term we always knew you could be.
I hope I will be missed, but if you need something to look at, might I suggest the majesty of the Grand Canyon, the beauty of the stars at night, or the side of a butt.
I’m very proud to announce my successor, Sidebutt. I think you’ll find Sidebutt’s qualifications very comparable to my own. Butts, and the sides of them, have arrived, and they’re here to stay. So let’s come together and look at just the sides of butts like we looked at just the sides of boobs. Will it be the same? Of course not. But it’s called evolution.
I hope that you will not forget me and that I’ll live on inside all your hearts forever. If I can be of any help during this difficult transition, you know where to find me.
(On the side of a boob).
Joanna Borns is a writer in New York City.