An E-Mail Announcement From the Proud New Mommy

by Kassia Miller

From: Mary Ann B., the New Mommy
To: Entire Contact List
Subject: Our New Gift Has Arrived!

Dear Friends and Family,

Thank you so much for all the well-wishes! After nine months of heartburn and sleepless nights, Dale and I are SO excited to announce … the arrival of my push present!!! (Which accompanied the birth of our baby girl, Sidney.) It’s an emerald pendant necklace and it’s absolutely perfect!!

Hats off to Joanne, who guessed a necklace by the shape of the box I found in Dale’s sock drawer. I could have sworn I was going to get a pair of diamond baguettes because baguettes usually come in a box that’s round just on top, but I was wrong. Stranger things have happened!

The necklace is 18 inches long, less than a pound, and is bright green, just like its mama’s eyes. Mom, push present, and Dad’s bank account are all doing well.

I know it sounds so cliché, but I will never forget the moment Dale gave me my push present. It was right after I delivered Sidney. I had her on my chest, because the nurses put her there, and all of a sudden, I looked up, and there’s Dale, holding a small, wrapped present.

I remember thinking, “this is a special moment,” because normally I wrap my own presents that I pick out at Tory Burch myself. And now here’s Dale with a present that’s practically got hospital corners it is wrapped so well! (I later found out that it was the fine people at Saks who wrapped it. I of course sent a thank you note immediately for the role they played in making my push present so special.)

I opened the beautiful wrapping, careful not to ruin the paper with any ick from the baby still on my chest. Dale was so proud because I unwrapped it all by myself, with no help from the hospital staff. (They didn’t offer anyway — Boo, Beth Israel!)

Under the wrapping paper was a small gray velvet box. It was the softest thing I have ever touched. Ever. I cannot repeat this enough. Nothing in and around me at that moment or ever before has been as soft to the touch as this velvet box. Not even the blanket the doctors wrapped Sidney in.

Right before I opened the velvet box at 5:17 p.m., I thought to myself, “Remember this moment, Mary Ann.” Of course, Dale got the whole thing on video anyway. I said, “Okay you can record it as long as you don’t go below the knees!” (I hate my knees.)

When I opened the velvet box and gazed upon my new emerald pendant for the first time … I think my heart skipped a beat. This was MY push present. Suddenly it was all worth it — getting pregnant, carrying a baby for nine months, slogging through “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

All of a sudden I knew that this was what I was put on this Earth to do: to own this beautiful emerald pendant necklace. When I put the necklace on and felt it curl around my neck, I knew I would never love anything as much as I loved my push present.

Uh oh. I think I hear the baby crying. Which reminds me I need to polish my necklace, so I better get going! You are all welcome to come by to visit whenever. The appraiser is coming by on Thursday. Don’t worry, it’s just a formality. The jeweler already told Dale the necklace was in perfect condition and worth a lot.


Mary Ann, Dale & Li’l Pendant

Kassia Miller is an improviser and sketch writer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York and is a member of the sketch group CARDIGAN. Kassia is also a freelance writer, commercial actor, and country music listener.