Unreleased Celebrity Fragrances

by Sarah Marshall

27th Precinct by Jerry Orbach: Notes of pepperoni and shoe polish on an instant coffee base. Leathery, minimal, and cost-effective, this fragrance feels like a big, crusty hug, and is perfect for those stressful mornings when you don’t want to get out of bed.

Wool of the King by Lana Del Rey: Imitation gold is overwhelmed by corrosive notes of Mountain Dew, gas station bathroom hand sanitizer, and chlorine. Spritz it on your angora sweaters, your dogeared copy of Lolita, or your money!

Sherlocked by Benedict Cumberbatch: Notes of the finest bergamot and saffron mingle with the overpowering aromas of black tea, gunpowder, and clammy bedsheets, in a fragrance that works best when applied to the nape of the neck and shielded from cold air by a fashionable scarf. May incite homosexual urges, in both the wearer and those immediately around him.

Steve Buscemi Eyes by Steve Buscemi: Notes of menthol and ylang ylang on a whiskey base. Banned in Utah.

Endearment by Shirley MacLaine: Bourbon-infused sage leaves blend with the subtle sweetness of expired lipstick and Book That’s Been In The Bedroom of An Incense Enthusiast For Too Long.

Mule Variation by Tom Waits: Animalic, with notes of honey, overripe orange peels, and improperly cured game meats. Caution: may burn through the skin if applied too liberally.

Goldbloom by Jeff Goldblum: This fragrance, meant to be drizzled down the wearer’s forearm (preferably while in a moving car) is redolent of warm eyeglasses, tanning oil, and Velociraptor musk. Perfect for work or leisure.

Winsome Integrity by Jon Stewart: Notes of caraway seeds and ballpoint pen ink on a Just for Men base. A trustworthy, nonthreateningly sensual fragrance, the perfect complement to an imitation-leather messenger bag or a book-shaped iPad cover.

Fair Child by Morgan Fairchild: This very special perfume is composed of pure diamond dust mixed with heavy cream and crushed freesia petals. Can also be used as foundation.

Wintour Harvest by Anna Wintour: Peppery, balsamic, indecisive, and fresh. Notes of warm blood and Galliano Sequin enliven this fragrance designed for the gal on the go.

Fryday I’m in Love by Stephen Fry: Well-worn corduroy mixes with notes of mahogany, pear brandy, and stilton in this comfortable, woody blend. Perfect to wear while reading Dickens or lecturing friends on Salic law. Caution: will make the wearer almost unbearably delightful.

Acedia by Louis CK: Sweat, sweat, sweat! If you suffer from excessive dryness, this fragrance is for you. Armpit sweat, groin sweat, neck sweat, and top of head sweat on a base of Cinnabon frosting combine in a mélange of mysterious, depression-inducing sensuality that’s sure to make you the belle of the ball.

Go for the Gold! by Tonya Harding: Notes of Aquanet and Revlon quick-dry nail polish in Velvet Rope mingle over a base of Flammable Leotard and Unladylike Perspiration. A perfume that gives you the courage to go for your dreams, and then to ignore all the bad publicity your courage inspires. Can also be used to style bangs.

Sarah Marshall’s writing has recently appeared on the Order of the Good Death and the Collagist. She would give her right arm to smell like Tom Waits.