The Hummuses of Brooklyn

Not a children’s story about talking food containers or a trendy family that changed its name, The Hummuses of Brooklyn is a short and stupid list of the ones readily available to me, in order.

7. Trader Joe’s
This is not so bad, but it’s also not so good. Gritty and knockoff-ish, it tastes like they scrimped on some key ingredient. Which might be because their regular kind is lighter and less creamy than the current average, except their creamy kind isn’t so great, either, although I might have eaten enough of the Cilantro & Jalapeno variety that I ruined it for myself.

6. Tribe
Tribe is so boring that it hurts to try to think about Tribe — the absence of thoughts about Tribe is like an ache, or I guess a vacuum. Touch Me Where I Have No Thoughts About Tribe. An accidental hole into another dimension. But to be fair it’s pretty good.

5. Sabra
Sabra’s like the friend in middle school you did everything to impress, but then 10 years later it seemed like she had some shitty life, and you felt all smug and superior, but then 10 years after that, you realize you’re the one who sucks.

4. Wakim’s
If a hummus doesn’t have a website, does it even exist? Wait, what was that? … Hmm, I guess it was nothing. Wait, no, there it was again! Omg a hummus container just flew out of my closet and into my bathroom!

3. Damascus
Everything from here is perfect, including the hummus. It is a beautiful store, and their only mistake is that among all the sweet and savory freshly made treats and natural juices from around the world is a disgusting little rack of Red Bull, which I buy, every time.

2. Stinky Bklyn
Stinky Bklyn’s homemade sriracha hummus WAIT NO, no please — okay, thank god they let me off with a warning, but the Insufferable Sentence Police (who actually spend a lot of time arresting one another, especially during social introductions) almost took away my computer after I started typing the beginning of this one, but OH MY GOD no what, I wasn’t saying anything can you just give m

1. Sonny & Joe’s