What It Sounds Like Your Coworker’s Eating: A Gchat Log

by Joanna Borns

I can’t tell if Eric is eating or drinking from the sound he’s making 🙁

It sounds like Eric is chewing peanut butter and silly putty.

God Eric, sounds like oatmeal and tunafish.

Oh Eric, are you eating some cold cuts covered in chewing gum?

Oh Eric, are you eating an apple covered with hot fudge?

Oh Eric, are there 5 lbs of live minnows in your soda? So you’re swallowing tiny swimming fish along with the beverage? Because that’s what it sounds like.

Oh Eric, are you eating a combination of Jell-o and popcorn?

Eric is just eating saltwater taffy covered in honey.

Oh Eric, did you just kiss a half-eaten peach?

Oh no Eric is crunching on a bag of nails. As a snack.

Oh Eric, are you quietly munching on wet leaves and soggy chicken skin?

Oh Eric, are you swishing wet paper and raw bacon around in your mouth?

I think Eric just swallowed a skinless peach whole.

Looks like Eric found some French fries dipped in yogurt.

Eric just licked all his fingers, as if today wasn’t bad enough.

It sounded like Eric was making porridge in his mouth just now.

Eric is eating wet sponges covered in jelly.

For the record, when Eric eats fruit at his desk, it sounds like his mouth is giving birth to a million worms.

Oh good, we’re staying late, so Eric’s decided this is a good time to do a load of greasy laundry in his mouth with olive oil as detergent.

So Eric is chewing a piece of gum the size of a fist and filled with a pudding cream center.

Ewww Eric you answered the phone with food in your mouth and I can hear it swishing around in there from hereerererer.

Oh my %$#@ing god Eric, your mouth is the worst thing in the universe.

%$#@ Eric. What are you eating now? I wish I was dead. Molasses? Just straight eating molasses?

I was going to finish up some work before going to lunch, but Eric brought a sandwich back to his desk so I have to leave immediately.

ERIC are you sucking on a raw chicken lollipop right now????


Me: They came back from Starbucks. And I was so excited to get my drink. And then so sad when Eric got his drink.
Kasia: What’s his drink? Liquefied bananas with wet pasta?
Me: Yes. That’s what he gets. It’s his favorite. I can’t believe you can get that at Starbucks.

Oh my god Eric is just swishing corn chowder around in his mouth like mouthwash.

Joanna Borns is a writer in New York City.