Save the Date*
by Emma Rosenblum
*Disclaimer: This problem obviously pales in comparison to what others are dealing with, and is just an attempt to laugh at myself a little.
Ten things to do when Hurricane Sandy floods your wedding venue, you’re supposed to get married next weekend, and you haven’t had power in your apartment for days:
1. Google ‘wedding venue is flooded?’ and then have a good cry at your desk at work.
2. Yell at your fiancé, tell him it’s all his fault, and then start crying and hug him and tell him you’re sorry, and that you’re thankful he’s been going back and forth to your dark apartment to feed the cats and keep them from turning into feral monsters.
3. Lie in bed awake from 3 to 5:30 a.m. thinking about ways to get around the three feet of standing water in your venue. Kayak down the aisle? First dance on water skis?
4. Look at your face in the mirror in the morning and, after seeing how tired and stressed you look, start crying.
5. Look at your face in the mirror while you’re crying and feel really sorry for yourself.
6. Have many chats with your mom about how, in the scheme of things, you’re so lucky. You’re fine! It’s only a wedding! Inevitably both you and your mom will start crying during these phone calls.
7. Place a hundred phone calls to different venues around the city to check on availability. While you’re waiting for them to call back, bite all of your fingernails off, then move onto your cuticles and draw blood.
8. Start to go crazy. Is this God punishing me for having a non-denominational ceremony, you wonder?
9. Have periods of intense calm. As your mom always says: It’s not about the wedding, it’s about the marriage. You will keep saying this to yourself as you sit on your toilet that won’t flush, mixing your pee with that of the man you’re going to marry, somewhere, at some point, TBD.
Emma Rosenblum may or may not have her wedding on November 10.