Are You in the Running to Become America’s Next Top Dinner Guest?
by Rose Surnow and Alison Leiby
If invitations to decadent holiday parties have been slower to arrive this year, you may not have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Dinner Guest; take this quiz to find out.
1. When it comes to bringing something to the dinner party, you decide on…
a. A nice bottle of red wine.
b. Yo-Yo Ma to play music throughout the evening.
c. A group of crust-punk runaways you met outside of a 7-Eleven. They’re excited to use the shower!
2. You decide that the best time to arrive at dinner is…
a. Around the time the host suggested.
b. Months in advance to install your corn husk fantasy tablescape.
c. Three weeks later, drunk and high, asking to borrow clean urine.
3. When you enter the house, the host says to put your coat in her bedroom, so you…
a. Nicely lay your coat on her bed alongside the others.
b. Hand-pick all the lint off of her “work slacks” and turn her sheets into an elaborate origami crane.
c. Take all her birth control pills “just in case.”
4. When other people start getting up to offer to clear the table, you…
a. Jump in and start helping.
b. Insist that everyone else relax while you steam-clean the carpet, re-grout the master bathroom, and install a garbage disposal.
c. Lie on the couch with your shoes on and ask if they have Skinemax.
5. You’re sitting next to someone you’ve never met before, so you to turn to them and say…
a. “How do you know the host?”
b. “You have the most exquisite eyes,” in French.
c. “I don’t believe in religion after what happened to me.”
6. When it comes time to go around the table and say what you are thankful for, you…
a. Say, “I’m thankful for having such great friends who put on such an amazing dinner.”
b. Do a dazzling magic trick in which you turn a piece of ham into a solid gold brick.
c. Are on the phone to your grandmother, repeatedly yelling, “You will never work in this town again!”
7. When the party runs out of booze, you…
a. Offer to go pick some up.
b. Start crushing grapes to make more wine.
c. Take out your stash of “emergency Zima” from the ziploc bag in your purse and pound it in the bathroom.
8. When you bite into the turkey and realize it hasn’t been cooked all the way through, you…
a. Politely chew and swallow the piece, and then sneak the rest into your napkin.
b. Compliment the chef on her incredible recipe and then immediately secure her a cookbook deal.
c. Spit it out on the host’s plate, eyebrows raised at full capacity.
9. What do you take home with you from Thanksgiving dinner?
a. A container of leftover turkey and stuffing that the host insisted you take.
b. The hottest, youngest person there.
c. An urn full of ashes.
10. After you use the bathroom and realize that the toilet won’t flush, you…
a. Discreetly let the host know.
b. Put your hair in a ponytail, reach your entire arm in there, and fix it with your bare hands.
c. Set the entire apartment on fire and jump out the back window.
If most of your answers were…
A’s — ThisClose
A couple of years ago, you would definitely be invited to a Thanksgiving dinner party. You are sweet, thoughtful, and utterly polite. Unfortunately, that doesn’t cut the mustard anymore. Better luck next time.
B’s — Invitation’s in the Mail
What up, perfect? How does it feel to be the smoothest pat of butter in the diner? You are without a doubt America’s Next Top Dinner Guest. Our only advice for you is to stop being so fierce because you’re making the rest of us look bad.
C’s — Bench Warmer
We’re sure you’re great at lots of things, like feeding strays and quietly staring out windows, but interacting with other people is not your forte. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.