No-Costume Costumes

Bring a guitar. Fire up a joint. Wear a cute dress. You are Taylor Spliff.

Wear your normal clothes. You are a slut (GOP definition).

Carry a bottle of scotch. Draw X’s on your closed eyelids. Moan about brains in a British accent. You are Zombie Christopher Hitchens.

Use eyeliner to draw a thin moustache right above your upper lip. Wear your most garish shirt. You are John Waters.

Put on your frilliest Anthropologie dress. Add a white tulle veil. Carry a mason jar with a tea light in it. Say “I do” all night. You are an Etsy wedding.

Tape an empty paper towel roll to your forehead. You are a unicorn.

Put one arm inside your shirt (or, for those with dislocated shoulders, button your shirt over your sling). Carry a stick in your other hand. You are the drummer from Def Leppard.

Wear a Kangol hat. Lurk awkwardly. You are That Guy.

Hold your arms out from your body all night long. Have a friend pull you on a skateboard. You are Endeavor.

Find a friend who has laboriously created a scary witch/devil/zombie costume. Stand near him all night. You are the lesser of two evils.

Previously: A Pie for the Clumsy.

Ann Friedman is asking you not to steal that Def Leppard idea because her left arm really is in a sling right now and it is her leading costume option.