Hair and Morality
by A Dude
1. This is ridiculous but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I apologize in advance if I sound like a jerk. Or, I guess tell me if I’m a jerk. There’s this guy I know who is sort of on that threshold of friend/romantic whatever, but I can’t stand his hairstyle. He’s very middle-of-the-road otherwise, style-wise, but this hairstyle. It’s not even that crazy, I just really hate it, and he’s always adjusting it. He likes it. He’s a good looking dude, too. If a guy asked me to change my hairstyle, I’d be like “screw you!” but then I’d freak out privately and probably change my hairstyle. :-/ And resent him. But anyway I know you can’t ask someone you’re not in a serious relationship with to change their hair, but I feel stuck, and like I would be more attracted to him if his hair were different? I can’t even believe l’m typing these words. Am I just using the hair as a reason for why I don’t like him as much as I wish I did?
I used to have a crazy big, long, pointy Unemployment beard. I was kind of fun for a while. I started a new job and I was like “The beard should probably go away. There are old croutons in the beard. I think I’ve taken this as far as it can go.” And I shaved it off. There was a lady at work who was so horrified. “You have to grow it back! Etc!” And I was like, gee, I wonder if this means she’s interested in me. She wasn’t, she just likes pointy beards. If this guy has some kind of art piece on his head: a mullet, a mohawk, a leaning tower of Pisa or something, maybe let it go. But at some point he may grow tired of this hair gesture eventually. The actor in the “Eraserhead” movie got so tired of always having to have all that hair. So maybe he will grow out of it. I think hairstyle is usually the thing I like most about some women. I thought I was in love with a woman once but then she grew it out and I was like “I am no longer in love with this woman.” She wasn’t in love with me either.
I don’t know what it is about hair. But it does make a huge difference. And you might use your wiles to get this dude to cut it. But you better really like it and him after that. I mean, you broke him and you better like him. I just don’t think it’s that big a deal to ask for the things you want from people. Getting someone to cut their hair for you would be a powerful rush, I’d imagine. Or just getting them to stop playing with it. You should at the very least find out if you are that powerful. Will he resent you? Maybe. Will he refuse? Maybe. Will he cut his hair and do whatever the hell else you want him to do with himself? Probably. You are pretty great. Any man would cut his crappy hair for you. And you deserve a man who will disfigure himself in every possible way just to be with you.
If you feel like a haircut is the key to making this man a masterpiece, start with like “Have you ever thought of cutting your hair?” Maybe he gets defensive or tells a joke. Inside he’s wondering “Maybe I should cut my hair!” You just grab a bunch, whereever it is offending you. “I’d cut this off.” Purr that line, like you are trying to lure a cat from a tree. “And maybe do something over here.” Be explicit. You want this guy to know exactly what you want. He may hem and haw. “It’s no big deal,” assure him. “I just think it would look so handsome.” On “Handsome” you should really be sure to look directly into his eyes with the cutest look you got. You have to shine your soul right at him. I think that would work. You could also just get him a wig. Halloween is coming up. “I bought you a wig! Ha ha! Just put it on! Just for a second.” And then you never let him take it off, ever.
2. I’m curious your thoughts on moral failings. I did something recently that was morally wrong. Not like, murder, but I slept with someone who has a girlfriend. Then things all got messed up. I didn’t know he had one at first, but then I did, and I slept with him again. I had always thought of myself as someone who’d never do that, but then I did. And I don’t really feel bad. It’s over, it was brief. They are apparently breaking up, which he said was coming, etc., whatever, we don’t talk. People have different stances on what you’re in charge of / responsible for regarding fidelity. Like, since it’s not *MY* relationship, it’s “okay,” but in my heart I know this will come back around to bite me in the ass. What do you think?
You shouldn’t really feel that bad. You didn’t know about the girlfriend. And when you did know, I don’t know. The damage was already done. It doesn’t really make a difference if it was once or twice. I don’t really get all hung up about sleeping with someone in a relationship. I only slept around with someone I was with once. And I felt crummy. And I didn’t let it go on forever. I’ve slept with people’s wives. And it’s not ideal. But if it’s not something you’re doing spitefully, to harm the dude’s relationship or to get back at the lady, I wouldn’t worry too much. Do you mean like, you worry about karma? Or cosmic payback? You may be participating in the cosmic payback to someone else, it’s tough to know just where the universe is coming from most of the time. And if you want to do something really nice for someone to make it up to the univese, go ahead. It may be tough for you to realize that You are Capable of sleeping with someone who is in a relationship. This may shatter some sense of self. But you’re not the kind of person who yearns to sleep around with taken people. We’re capable of all kinds of things we never thought we would be. That’s just part of growing up.
You are more than you imagine yourself to be. You do not know every part of yourself yet. It is nice to think that sometimes you can surprise yourself. This sounds overwhelmingly enjoyable on your part, and I wouldn’t feel too guilty. The dude should have told You. Only carry your own crucifixes.
3. What would you do if a girl farted while you were going down on her? Or, what’s the weirdest or most interesting thing you’ve ever observed a girl (or whomever) do in their sleep?
I don’t think farting while someone is going down on you is that big a deal. It’s a little gross, but sometimes sex gets gross and messy. Whatever. I think it’s weird women don’t fart in front of men. That makes me nervous. I mean, if you’re gonna take a dump on the bed every time someone goes down on you, I guess that’s a problem. Unless you’re into sexy diapers. Then by all means. But I’ve farted while women are going down on me. It’s embarrassing, but when you start sucking on things down there who knows what’s going to start happening? What would I do? Laugh. Girl farts are cute. They are a little smelly, but whatever. I like giving head a lot, so this wouldn’t really throw me off too much.
In terms of the weirdest thing, I don’t know. I dated a multiple personality woman, who would turn into different people sometimes in the middle of the night. Some of whom didn’t like me very much. There was a sleepwalker who would like disappear for a while. That was a little disconcerting. The woman would threaten suicide right after sex all the time. But actually while asleep? There was a talker. The cutest ever is the thumbsucker. I sucked my thumb until I was like 30. Sucking your thumb is cool.
4. Can you write a short story about something good that happened to you recently?
I don’t know if I have any great short stories that have happened to me of late. I wore this pair of pants to work that apparently made me look bigger downstairs than I normally am. I don’t know what the deal was, but this woman noticed and remarked on it. Then told everyone at work. And now everyone thinks I’m massively manly or something. People whisper to each other in Spanish. Men nod with respect. It’s really taken on a life of its own. I can’t ever wear these pants again, the expectations are off the charts. And I don’t think what I have is really all that whatever. I’m probably going to have to find a new job. Because sooner or later there will be a Christmas Party and people will be drunk. They will want to see this monster. And I barely have any personal borders as it is, if people want to see it they can see it. Whatever. But the letdown will be so gigantic. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that much disappointment. I don’t know what the end of this short story will be. Maybe I get a larger penis implanted just so I don’t let everyone at work down? Merry Christmas to us all!
Previously: Loaner Shirts and the Meaning of Sleazy.
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