The New Problem Areas

by Melissa Albert

Insufficiently glossy nipple hairs.

Already peplum-shaped hips.

Hand instinctively clawed into perfect taco-holding shape. Possibly psychosomatic.

Your boyfriend’s workmate’s stellar rack.

Ingrown sense of self-righteousness.

Spectral body of previous owner of car.

Hysterical pregnancy baby bump.

Tumor housing fingernails of congenital twin; shaped just like bust of Lincoln.

Jaw that does that popping thing every damn time you eat a bagel.

“TEAM JEN” tattoo.

Post-grad neck fat imprisoning hemp necklace from undergrad.

Hole in your heart resulting from death of Gourmet.

The weird muscle thing that pops out when you flex your left ankle but not when you flex your right.

Itchy “Like” finger.

Melissa Albert is a writer and editor in Brooklyn. She usually blogs for teens, but you’ll do.