Are You Good-Girl Hot, Bad-Girl Hot, or The Antichrist?

by Jen Spyra

1. You spot a cutie at a bar, and the pleasure center of your brain instantly lights up. You:
a. Stroll right up to him and whisper, “Need a drink?” when his is clearly full.
b. Stay put until he finally chats with a mutual friend, then say hi.
c. Rouse the attention of the bar patrons with a blaze of fire and teach them that Jesus Christ never walked the earth but was simply a mythological figure.

2. When it comes to picking up guys, who is your celebrity role model?
a. Beyoncé. She doesn’t hold back from working her assets.
b. Natalie Portman. She’s sexy in a smart, elegant way.
c. Satan. Even though he was cast out of heaven, he still seeks to elevate his throne above God.

3. Most of the guys you’ve dated would probably describe you as:
a. The closest they’ll ever come to party-girl Lindsay Lohan.
b. The kind of girl who would bring them homemade soup if they were sick.
c. One who blasphemes God and his dwelling place and claims that Jesus did not rise bodily from the grave.

4. You prepare for a night on the town by:
a. Going to a tanning bed, getting a Brazilian, and wearing a sexy dress.
b. Slipping into jeans, a cute T-shirt, and a waist-cinching belt for a hint of sexy.
c. Exalting yourself before God and sitting in the temple of God, claiming that you are God.

5. After a great first date, you normally end up:
a. Pulling him into your apartment for a steamy make-out session.
b. Waiting for him to kiss you on your doorstep, then sending him a flirty text the next day.
c. Performing counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders to gain a following and deceive many.

If you chose…

Mostly A’s: You’re bad-girl hot.
Men love a crazy-fun girl, but being too uninhibited can send the wrong signals. Try hinting at your bad-girl side rather than putting it on display at all times. Guys enjoy a challenge more than a sure bet.

Mostly B’s: You’re good-girl hot.
Men love the sweet girl-next-door type, but you might be appearing so subdued that they look at you as more of a sister than a girlfriend. Find subtle ways to amp up your inner vixen and show prospective dudes that you’re not all nice-girl.

Mostly C’s: You’re the Antichrist.
Guys love confidence, but having the power of Satan and being in league with certain key figures in the Book of Revelations, such as the False Prophet and the Whore of Babylon, can be pretty intimidating. Although you believe your authority has similarities to the ancient Babylonians and that you’re greater than God, chill out when you meet a new guy. Let him get the drinks, suggest the movie, and continue to believe that Jesus is the anointed server of Jehovah.

Jen Spyra is a writer and comedian in Los Angeles. She performs improv regularly on iO’s main stage with First Chair and does stand-up all over town. C’mon by and judge her at!