Notes From an All-Female Glengarry Glen Ross Viewing Party
by Alexandra Molotkow
Alex H: Seen before.
Naomi: First-time watcher, but “seen various semi-professional productions of the play.”
Lily: “Seen a cat perform the original screenplay, but in Italian.” [Note: only joking.]
Alex M: Tried to watch twice, both times fell asleep.
Gabe: Our friend who wanted to come but couldn’t because it was females only.
AM: So what is a lead, exactly?
AH: A lead on a sale. They’re salesmen.
AM: But is a lead someone who might want to sell their house?
AH: Yeah, a possible person who might be interested.
AM: In buying or selling?
AH: In buying. Because they’re trying to sell.
Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for closers only!
N: Did you want to put on the captions?
L: That’s a good idea.
You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, YOU ARE SHIT! Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it! … You drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an $80,000 BMW!
L: None of these guys are laughing. In real life everybody would just be laughing.
AM: Is Alec Baldwin their boss?
AH: No, Spacey is.
AM: What’s he then, like a motivational speaker?
Only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fuckin’ faggots?!
L: Bit outdated, but whatever.
AH: He could have just easily gone into the office and been like, All right, gentlemen! Pull down your pants! Because it appears I have the longest penis. Goodbye, you’re all fired.
L: Jack Lemmon’s like, uh, ever heard of girth?
You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers?! You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? … It takes brass balls to sell real estate!
N: The thing is, I’ve read the script, I’ve seen the play, I still don’t fucking know what they’re talking about.
AH: What do you mean?
N: Like what’s a sit?! I don’t know what that is. What does that mean? Why are they working at night? I don’t understand.
I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.
N: He’s not very encouraging.
AH: This is how you encourage a group of old men. You yell at them and belittle them. Remind them how weak they are.
N: I find it to be almost like nonsense, like I can’t — I can’t make sense of it. What is it that people like about this movie? Is it like, human? Is it true in any way?
Hello, this is Shelley Levene. Please listen closely, I only have a moment or so. I can speak only to a Mrs. Nyborg — Oh, this is Mrs. Nyborg. [Saxophone interlude]
AM: Is this really what it’s like to be a real estate agent? I mean if someone called me up like that, I’d assume they were a fraud. But now that I’ve watched this, it’s sort of tenderized my heart. So the next time someone calls me about a timeshare I’ll be more compassionate.
He’s got the leads! He’s got the good leads! We’re sittin’ in the shit here!
AM: Alan Arkin.
N: Oh my god.
AM: You got a crush on Alan Arkin?
N: No, no I don’t. It’s just the repetition in the language. It’s so …
L: I don’t think guys really look that deep into it. They don’t go, ‘Wait a second, what are they talking about?’ They just go, ‘Yeah, I get it. They’re talking about leads.’ That’s why whenever you watch a movie with guys, they get it and you don’t. Because they don’t actually get it.
You are really beginning to burn my ass, kid! I can’t get a lead — it was skill, John!
L: Like are certain leads more lead-y than others?
N: And are leads just names of people who are potential buyers? How do you just get a lead?
L: And does one lead lead to the next lead? Like, is Mrs. Zyborg —
AH: They must have a list of people who sign up for something, and then it’s like, ‘Oh, if you sign up for that, then you must be interested in this.’
L: Should we play a drinking game with leads?
I need those leads, and I need ’em now, or I’m out.
[Naomi begins giving Lily a back massage]
Do you know what the premium leads cost?
N: It would be really funny to do an all-female production of Glengarry Glen Ross.
AH: Everyone just starts crying when Alec Baldwin walks in…
L: “That was REALLY harsh, I can’t believe you just said that, Marion…”
N: “Do you know how much the premium leads cost? Do you know?”
OK, fine, 20%, 50 bucks a lead it’s done. Let’s go out, we make some money, I got bills to pay, huh?
AM: What bills do you think Jack Lemmon has?
L: He bought that hat on layaway.
N: I feel like he also bought a boat that he couldn’t afford.
AM: What do you think he’s doing with it? Taking the fam out, or do you think he’s got a mistress?
N: I think he goes out by himself. Just watches the shore.
L: So what’s a sit? Did I miss that?
AH: When you sit with them, you get the signatures. I think.
N: What if David Mamet was actually just Jared from Subway?
I gotta tell you something fella, it wasn’t so long ago, I just pick up the phone and I call Murray, I got your job. Hey Murray, the kid is burning my ass! Shelley, he’s gone! You are gone before I’m back for lunch.
N: Are you still enjoying this, do you want me to move into the scratching zone?
L: Maybe move into the lower zone.
FUCK you! Sittin’ on the good leads. George, we’re men here!
[Lily begins massaging Naomi]
The great fucks you have had. What do you remember about them? I dunno, for me? It’s probably not the orgasm. Some broad’s forearm on your neck. Something her eyes did. There was this sound she made.
L: So romantic! So are Glengarry and Glen Ross both leads?
AM: Yeah, what’s Glen Ross?
AH: That’s a good question. I don’t really understand. You want these guys to make sales, you give them shitty leads, and then you’re like ‘We’re only going to give the good leads to the guys who can close.’ Don’t you just want them to fuckin’ sell shit?
Glad I met you James. I want to show you something. It may mean something to you, it may not, I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.
AH: There it is, see! Florida! Glengarry is in Florida! That’s it! See? Glengarry is an area in Florida they’re trying to sell. See? Glengarry Highlands!
L: Then what’s Glen Ross?
AH: Another place.
You owe me a Cadillac! … FUCK YOU you owe me the car!
N: That massage just felt so good.
L: [Reaches for red wine]
AH: Oh, my [white wine] is not good enough for you? Fuck yooouu!
AM: FUCK YOU!
N: Fuck YOUU!
AH: FUCK you!
AM: Who took the leads?
AH: Some fucker.
N: They need a computer.
FUCK YOU JOHN! … I find out whose fuckin’ cousin you are, I’m going to go to him and figure out a way to have your a — FUCK YOU!
AM: What kind of work environment is this? This is awful! Who works in an office where they talk to each other like this?!
FUCK YOU, Dave!
AH: That’s how he wakes up. His wife’s like, “Shut up!” and he goes “Fuck You!” … “I can’t tell if you’re asleep or not!”
Could we get some coffee?
L: No, coffee is only for —
AM: Why are they sitting here in the office talking for a million years if they want to close so bad?!
Fuck the Machine? Fuck the Machine? FUCK THE MACHINE!
AH: FUCK youuu, Alex
AM: Fuck YOUUUU, Alex!
L: This writing is getting lazy. Like that Alec Baldwin speech was all, Hit the bricks!! And now it’s all just “fuck you.”
OH FUCK YOU! FUCK THE LOTTA YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!
AH: It looks like he’s getting aroused. Isn’t closing for dudes like getting a chick? It’s everything. It’s their life. It’s all about sex.
AM: No no no. Is this like sex … or is sex like this?
N & L: Whoooaaaa!
AH: Wait. Say that again.
[AH takes a sip of wine]
AM: Is this like sex, or is sex like this?
[AH does spit take]
AH: … Pardon me?
All I’m telling you is, you can tell ’em it’s a remarkable sale.
AH: I got laid last night. Real good! Real big knockers! You — you gotta tell them! You gotta tell everybody!
L: I just feel like that episode of Seinfeld where George got that job in the basement selling computers.
AH: “I just like the sound of the bell!”
Fuck you. You do not know your job, you know that?! You hear what I’m saying to you???
N: What if someone made a space version of Glengarry Glen Ross.
AH: Glengarry Glen Space?
N: And instead of “Always Be Closing” it’s “Always Be Cloning.”
FUCK YOU! That’s my message to you, fuck you! KISS MY ASS!
AM: FUCK YOU. FUCK … you.
L: I think you’re the only one who really enjoys saying that. I don’t get much pleasure out of it.
AM: Try it!
L: Fuuuck yooou…
AH: FUCK YOU!
N: Every time it sounds like you’re saying something different.
AM: It’s like that improv game where you just go A!!! B!!!!! A!! But with “Fuck.”
L: FUuuuck youuu…
AM: You gotta give it some BALLS!
N: I like it when you do the double fuck you. The more even fuck you, then the more emphatic fuck you.
Something about your language, I want you to know. I can’t talk about it here….
L: Gabe just texted me about female Glengarry Glen Ross. “Remember one thing Lily, Always Be Cleaning.”
AH: He used that joke on me already.
… At this time, Lily has to leave. Alex H follows. Naomi and I start talking and miss the ending. Later, I rewatched it and felt horrible all night thinking about Shelley Levene.