What We Hated About The Newsroom Last Night

Hey, Jeff Daniels is Getting Death Threats! Hubbub Hubbub Furor!

Oh, wait, this is familiar. Like when Natalie got death threats on Sports Night, or when there were death threats on the horrid little show-within-a-show on Studio 60. Or when CJ Cregg got death threats and briefly fell in love with Mark Harmon on The West Wing.

No, no, it’s fine! The important thing is to be really butch about it, and claim you don’t want or need a security detail, while everyone fawns over you and pats you down and tells you to put yourself first for once, goddammit.

Moving on…

What Women Can Do:

1. Sign a condolence card: “I’m sorry about your loss, LOL.”
2. File “frivolous” sexual harassment complaints on behalf of other women who think Jeff Daniels is secretly deeply kind.
3. This ONE TIME, correct Jeff Daniels’ grammar.
4. Speak Japanese while having a camera aimed squarely down their cleavage.
6. Have their chin gently, chidingly chucked by a stern, yet sympathetic man.
7. Ruin proposals from different stern, yet sympathetic men.
8. Explain to your mentor that her advice is too (crazy hand gesture), and in this instance you need to turn instead to a stern, yet sympathetic man.
9. Agree with your mentee’s summation of your worth.
10. Pretend to be dumber than they are to smooth over bad situations, while being called “girl.”

What Women Can’t Do:

1. Tell the difference between Georgia the state and Georgia the country.
2. Tell the difference between Sarah and Sandra Bernhardt.
3. Keep their shit together on-camera.
4. Refrain from using the unwarranted phrase “gruesome death” on-camera.
5. Run more than five seconds of the New York Marathon without falling and twisting their ankle.
6. Limp off to the sidelines without being gallantly carried by Jeff Daniels.
7. Correctly remember the plot of The Sting.
8. Stand without panting and visibly shaking in the presence of a large, shiny diamond.
9. Get credit for being fluent in Japanese.
10. Understand “honor.” Perhaps if they spent more time watching Rudy.