Texts From Scarlett O’Hara

by Mallory Ortberg

where r u
Scarlett I’m at work I can’t text right now
need u at mill
Scarlett I have the baby with me I really can’t come to the mill
what baby
My baby. Wade. My baby with Melanie.
guess what kind of corset im wearing
I don’t see what this has to do with the mi-
im not 😉

Darling, I was going through some old things this morning
and found Charles’ ornamental officer’s sash
I thought you’d like to have it
So I gave it to Mammy for cleaning and she’ll give it to you later
who is charles
Scarlett, how you joke!
was he that guy
I know it pains you to speak of him — that’s why you act so high-spirited about it, and I think it’s simply marvelous of you. But you don’t have to be brave with me, Scarlett dear.
that guy with like the chin thing
I miss him too.
guess what i turned my mourning gown into
But I know he’s looking after us — always.
i made four backless shimmies out of it

mammy r u up
What is it, Scarlett
do we have any of that chocolate stuff left
with the swirls on it
I don’t know, Scarlett
can you check
Honey, I’ll get it for you just as soon as the doctor lets me get out of bed
He says the typhoid is awfully bad this spring
what even is typhoid
It’s nothing
I’ve got a little touch of it is all
but I’ll be fine, don’t you worry
haha omg ur gonna get so thin
my waist is like nineteen inches already im a whale
listen to me talking about that chocolate stuff
don’t let me have any!!!
All right
ok no but seriously bring me like one jar
just one though

4 missed calls

ohhh my god she will not stop CALLING
its like
im not a baby catcher ok
sorry ur “in labor” again or whatever
im in labor too
in the fields picking cotton or whatever the hell is growing out of those bushes
ive had like four babies already, it’s not a big deal AT ALL
I’m sorry, darling — I know I’ve been such a bother during all this
I’ll try for Dr. Meade again.
oh my god
who is this
Why, it’s Mellie, darling! It’s your Mellie.
oh hiii
It does me good when you joke with me like this
Everyone else treats me like I’ll fall to pieces, but not you.
haha i will be like right there

ashley r u there
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn
Scarlett, it’s four in the morning and I have to get up in two hours to run your mill
Please don’t text me this late
oh i sold the mill haha
did i not tell you that
Oh my God.
did you know that pantalets are out this year
that’s why im not wearing any

Hello, Scarlett
what r u doing
Still in jail, I’m afraid
i want to go out and no one can go out
I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you, my dear
i am so so so bored
Bored, my dear? With a mind like yours?
That’s something even I can’t imagine.
is that a joke
I can assure you I am quite serious
ur making fun of me
this is exactly why ur not received

Previously: The Return of Ghost.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon.

Original image by cinemafestival, via Shutterstock