The Essential Pocket Guide to Monster Survival
One of the earliest recorded globsters — The St. Augustine Monster of 1896.
Class: Unidentified organic mass
Threat Level: 1.5 out of 5 screams. (They might be lifeless, but they are SO gross.)
Summary: “Globster” is a term used to describe unidentifiable, seemingly dead carcasses that wash up on seashores. That this phenomenon is so common as to need its own name, and that that name is “globster,” is really all you need to know. In 2003, the 14-ton Chilean Blob globster motionlessly and silently terrorized a nation — onlookers probably reported feeling as though the mass was “looking at [them], seriously, get it awayyyeeee.” In this one particular case, scientists allegedly found that DNA from the blob matched that of a sperm whale, but ask yourself: wouldn’t it be clever of globster monsters to mimic the DNA of natural animals?
How to Survive: It doesn’t take a water scientist to guess that the main reason globsters come to land is because they’re looking for human blood. You should be staying 100 yards from any coastline, at minimum, at all times. Especially while menstruating. What non-evil thing has ever emerged from the water of its own accord? Not one thing!
Class: Winged biped
Threat Level: 2 out of 5 screams.
Summary: According to legend, the Jersey Devil was born to New Jersey resident Mrs. Leeds in 1735, after she understandably wished that her thirteenth child would be born a devil so she could be done already. This creature — bony, winged body, spindly hoofed legs, and a horse-like face — immediately set about roaming the New Jersey Pine Barrens for the rest of eternity. Sightings continue to this day, and are recorded by American heroes “The Devil Hunters.” The illuminatingly vague reports include:
2007: “In January, a man watched a strange creature fly out of the woods.”
2009: “Strange screeches were heard and a singular hoof print found in Mayetta.”
How to Survive: Unfortunately, no known defense mechanisms against the Jersey Devil exist.
A little hot, right?
Class: Bipedal humanoid
Threat Level: 2.5 out of 5 screams. (There are some who propagate the idea that Bigfoot is relatively non-threatening, but doesn’t it seem suspicious that the only people around to say how non-threatening he is are alive?)
Summary: Bigfoot are usually described as being 6–10 feet tall ape-like humanoids, with red or brown hair covering their entire bodies. Presumably, there are both male and female Bigfoot, but because of the way they walk, most Bigfoot just kind of seem like guys and are thus usually referred to as “him.” Sightings are common, and occasionally frightening; watch this stirring news story about the experience of self-proclaimed mountain man Tim Peeler for just one example. Lest you have any doubt about Bigfoot’s existence, Jane F%#*ing Gooddall said “I’m sure that they exist.”
How to Survive: If you see a Bigfoot, your prehistoric ancestral instinct is going to tell you to make out with him. Do it! Use your sexuality to get what you want: survival. For seduction tips, consult what appears to be a very to-the-point manual.
Closest known visual approximation.
Class: Mutated arboreal carnivorous marsupial
Threat Level: 3 out of 5 screams
Summary: If at first glance these creatures look like sweet and cuddly Koala bears, look closer. These beasts “drop” from trees onto unsuspecting hikers and tear them limb from limb. Cynics at Wikipedia suggest that drop bears are not “real,” but why, then, would the Australian Museum list them in their species catalog? Later, the Museum would backpedal, claiming the page was intended as a joke. The reason you don’t get the “joke” is because drop bears are serious. Deadly serious.
How to Survive: Arm yourself with knowledge: watch this short, authentic documentary, which definitely does not feature the filmmaker’s grandmother and friends as unpaid actors displaying varying degrees of enthusiasm. Finally, locals suggest putting Vegemite behind one’s ears to ward off drop bears. It’s gross, but you know what’s grosser? Decapitation.
Class: Undead humanoid infant
Threat Level: 4 out of 5 screams.
Summary: This creature disguises itself as a harmless, adorable baby, drawing in its victims by crying in mock helplessness so that unsuspecting bystanders will pick it up. At that moment, the Tiyanak will transform into a tiny, vampiric nightmare, alternately described as “a little old man” with a right leg that is “much shorter” than the left, a small “nut-brown” person who floats, or simply a clawed and fanged baby. All awful! You can look them up, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
How to Survive: Treat each crying baby you see as though it were a potential elderly floating vampire with short leg syndrome, and flee. If it WAS a Tiyanak, you will have just escaped certain death. If it WASN’T a Tiyanak, at least you will have escaped a crying baby.
Are these normal spiders or astral spiders? It depends which plane you’re on.
Class: Higher realm-based arthropods
Threat Level: 5 out of 5 screams. Spiders! Terrifying!
Summary: Astral spiders are like normal spiders, except that they exist on the astral plane and can only be seen clairvoyantly. They tend to attack those that meditate or otherwise participate in out-of-body experiences, and are 100% worse than real spiders in that they cannot be crushed with books. They will also devour your aura. Try saying THAT three times fast, only don’t, because it might summon the spiders.
How to Survive: First of all, you could just stay on your own plane where you belong. But if you insist on plane hopping, the Australian mystic Robert Bruce recommends ridding yourself of astral spiders by cleansing your atmosphere with his Purple Fire Audio (bottom of the page). Incredibly, you can download the 5-minute mp3 for free. It involves imagining you and your room covered in raging purple flames. Very soothing; I feel less spidery already.