In Case of Snakes
by Molly Ghuzzi
Snakes are terrifying creatures. These giant devil worms not only look like giant devil worms, but they also have the ability to kill you without even using a gun. Furthermore, I refuse to trust an animal without eyelids — nothing freaks me out more than something that sleeps with its eyes wide open because … how can you dream? But perhaps the most terrifying thing about snakes is that you never know which way they’re going. With their wacky body motion, the movements of these beasts are utterly impossible to read. Before you know it, they’ll eat your grandma, and then they’ll eat you, and then they’ll eat the bowl of cake batter you were just about to eat. That’s just the way these jukey animals choose to live. But there is hope! What follows are some common snake scenarios and what you can do to best survive them. Good luck!
Snake on Boat
Your first gut instinct may be to jump off the boat and into the water. But that’s actually the worst thing you can do. Snakes can swim. A snake will unquestionably follow you into the water. And the only thing more terrifying than a snake is a snake in water, because everyone knows that a snake in water will just enlist the help of his water-cousin, the eel, and then BAMMO! Two versus one.
What you need to do is fight your impulse to jump in the water. Look around? Do you see a pole? There are always a variety of pole-like tools on boats. Use that pole to whack that snake to death. Yes, just like that, keep hitting it until there is blood splattered everywhere. Now smear that blood on your face. You look cute!
First of all, why are you outside? Outside is the natural environment of a snake and your chances of running into one are of the greatest probability. The best advice I can give is to never go outside.
But if you must venture there, I strongly advise you do so only with a mongoose, the natural enemy of the snake. Because if you’re going outside without a mongoose as protection, you’re clearly a crazy person with a death wish. People may say walking around with a mongoose is also a sign of a crazy person. Well, let them!
Snake on Plane
Forget evasive maneuvers, it’s time to be a hero. Crash that plane into the ground. Because of you there is one less snake in the world.
Snake in Book
If a snake is in a book, shut that book! And if said book is in a library, burn down that library! Yes, libraries, books, and reading are all very important components of a well-functioning society, but more important is that we don’t have snakes in our books. This goes for actual snakes in books and pictures of snakes in books.
Snake in Bed
If a snake slithers into your bed while you’re sleeping, run. If a snake slithers into your bed because you want it there … because of your unique sexual tendencies … then, hey man, whatever floats your boat. This is however, incredibly dangerous and often perceived as “a weird thing to do” by the rest of the human population.
Snake in Tornado (not to be confused with a “Snake Tornado”)
If you’re being chased by a tornado that sucked up a snake during its path of unbridled destruction, you should handle this situation as you would handle your average run of the mill non-snake-containing tornado. Run to an underground shelter or bridge. Please keep in mind that at any moment the snake may become disengaged from the tornado and launched at you as if it could fly. That being said, let us all take a moment to be thankful snakes cannot fly.
Snake in Giant Trash Compactor
You’ve actually found yourself in the movie Star Wars: A New Hope. What you’re dealing with is not a snake but a giant parasite known as a dianoga.
Don’t worry about this snake-like creature; you have bigger problems … like … how did you get into a movie? And how are you going to get Harrison Ford to make sweet, sweet love to you?
Snake in Space
If you’re in space this means either:
A) You’re an astronaut, and by nature very dashing and intelligent. Use these qualities to defeat the snake.
B) It’s the year 3100, when technology is so advanced that even an everyday non-astronaut commoner like you can get to space using a space elevator. Since it’s 3100, this means the Great Snake War has already occurred and the human race has successfully annihilated all snakes (and their eel cousins, too). What you’re looking at is most likely a rogue strand of string cheese. But please be aware that even though snakes and eels have been exterminated, there are still turtles. And what really is a turtle other than a snake with legs and an impenetrable shell?
Molly Ghuzzi lives in New Jersey. Her blog, Palpably Weird, is available on the internet.