The 10 Other Reasons You Don’t Have Abs
(Thanks for nothing, Ask Men)
1. You are a Ribwich.
2. You donated them to Robert Pattinson for New Moon.
3. The villain from Saw imprisoned you in a room made entirely of white carbs.
4. You mistakenly purchased Women’s Health instead, which only told you how to “flatten your
belly.” Spoiler: it’s not anything you’re already doing.
5. You need to maintain 30% body fat in order to provide warmth to Cockney matchstick girls.
6. Jillian Michaels stole them in your sleep, and now when you watch The Biggest Loser you hum “Somewhere Out There.”
7. Life/love/lasagna/Kony 2012 got in the way.
8. You drank a glass of water this morning.
9. You used to have abs, but you sold them to buy a toe ring for your girlfriend, who sold her feet to buy meth.
10. You’re a goddamn cat, and you look incredible.
Bonus: You already have abs, like all mammals who possess internal organs and a musculature to hold them in place, but you may not have visible abs as a result of your genetic background, diet, level of hydration, or just not giving a shit.