Signs of Possible Snobbery: A Partially Fictionalized Facebook Exchange
by Kristen Roupenian
(Yesterday) D: K I have always thought the world of you. It bums me out you don’t answer my Facebook messages. Did I do something wrong? Do you dislike me or just don’t have time to answer. It would be so cool to hear from you but I don’t want to be foolish and waste your time by trying to contact you.
(Yesterday) K: Hey D — I don’t really know what to say. I don’t want to be a jerk, but you send me a lot of messages and I don’t always have time to respond to them. Also, I’m in a relationship and sometimes the things you send me are kind of inappropriate. I don’t dislike you, but maybe it would be good to take a breather for a while. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way — I really do wish you well, and I hope you are doing okay.
(Yesterday) D: My messages are meant to be harmless but I don’t know if you remember trying to make out with me when you knew I had a girlfriend makes you calling my messages ‘inappropriate’ is well hypocritical. I personally think not answering people’s messages is flat out rude and incosiderate a sign of possible snobbery. Your not someone I care to know anymore. Goodbye.
(Today) K: Dear D, Your suggestion that my failure to answer your Facebook messages might be a sign of possible snobbery truly upset me. I realize now that my self-regard has spiraled out of control. I would like to make an effort at atonement by answering just a few of the messages you’ve sent me over the years, messages that I selfishly allowed to go unanswered.
D: Yo kid how ya been?
K: I’ve been better. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, as you probably know from reading my relationship status, which I changed back to “single” a mere 27 minutes ago.
D: How goes it?
K: If by ‘it,’ you mean my general health, my relationship with my family, or my yoga practice, ‘it’ is going fine. If by ‘it’, you mean my dissertation or my financial outlook, I have to admit that ‘it’ has seen better days.
D: Was just thinking of you putting ice in my tip bucket.
K: I fear that elaborating any further will imply that I have some nostalgic feelings towards this incident, which I don’t, so I will just agree that yes, that is an event that occurred eleven years ago, one that inexplicably kicked off a four-month-long relationship between us.
D: How ya doin?
K: Fine. I’m not sure why this message is accompanied by a friend request from you, since as far as I know, we were already Facebook friends. Did you unfriend me at some point and then friend me back again? I don’t want to know anything about the drama that is going on in your head, so I will accept this request without comment.
D: Hey so the question I really want to ask you is what are you listening to these days?
K: Are you sure that you don’t really want to ask me about my relationship status, as I deleted that category from my profile today? Anyway, I’ve been listening to Sufjan Stevens a lot lately, thank you for asking.
D: Hey kid how goes it?
K: As I believe I may have mentioned before, it is going fine.
D: Yo whay up KP Hope this week is going better what
K: This message makes no sense and those are not my initials, but thank you for what appear to be the good wishes.
D: Come down to the city to help me buy suits.
K: We haven’t seen each other in over five years. Why would I travel to a different state to help you run errands?
D: Lol should I just not bother IMing you as I never get a response?
K: Lol, probably.
D: Hey kid
K: Hey! Please stop calling me “kid.” Although I was arguably still a child when we first met, more than a decade later I fear that the epithet is no longer applicable, and you’re kind of creeping me out.
D: Hey, homie
K: Haha, just kidding! “Kid” will do just fine.
D: You never answer anything, in bloody Europe and I can’t get an answer from you. 😉
K: You know, you might be surprised at how difficult it is to motivate oneself to respond to messages that are sent to you on Facebook between the hours of midnight and 3 am and consist entirely of variations on the term “Hey”!
D: You showed up in my dreams last night
K: Oh really? Please don’t tell me any more about this as I am not interested.
D: I’m feeling a little tipsy. Wanna make out?
K: I absolutely, positively, 100% do not.
D: This is just a random attempt to contact you.
K: This is part of my years-long attempt to avoid telling you straight-out to leave me alone. Is it working?
D: Hey would you be willing to read some of my writing and give me your opinion?
K: I feel like I already read quite a bit of your writing, so, no.
D: Hey kid
K: Hello, D. How are you? I’m doing well. The city is beautiful in the springtime, and graduate school continues on apace. Sometimes I wonder if enrolling in this program was the right choice, as my twenties seem to have somehow melted away beneath me, leaving me little that is tangible to show for them. Still, I cannot complain — over the past few years I’ve begun to build what amounts to a life: I have a lovely apartment, a close-knit group of friends, and a relationship that — while still in its early stages — gives me hope for the future. The truth is that hearing from you is always a mixed blessing. On the one hand, as my sophomore year of college fades into the distant past, my memories of both you and the teenager that I once was grow blurrier, and the speed with which the years pass strikes a chill into my heart. And yet, I confess that sometimes your messages serve as a necessary reminder of how much I’ve grown since we first encountered one another, and to appreciate the extent to which my standards and self-respect have flourished since those early college days. I hope these reminiscences on our shared history are not unwelcome — It was lovely to hear from you, D, and I do hope you’ll keep in touch. Sincerely yours, K.
D: Have a lovely evening beautiful
K: Thank you. I shall.
Kristen Roupenian preferred MySpace.